May Day Protests and Escalators

Song for this post: "Calm Like A Bomb" ~ Rage Against The Machine

es·ca·late

verb /ˈeskəˌlāt/  escalated, past participle; escalated, past tense; escalates, 3rd person singular present; escalating, present participle Increase rapidly - the price of tickets escalated - the escalating cost of health care Become or cause to become more intense or serious - the disturbance escalated into a full-scale riot - we do not want to escalate the war

Do you have ANY IDEA how annoying it is to be stuck behind people who get on an escalator and then just stand there?!? I don't recall seeing a sign that says, "Please, rest here. You look winded." The whole point of an escalator is to get somewhere faster...not hold up everyone behind you who is obviously more capable of critical thought than yourself.

There are exceptions, for sure. But those exceptions typically take the elevator or at least stand to the side so those behind them can pass.

Henry Rollins said in his spoken word that airports make him insane because of the human sidewalks. "It's like humans...on display."

This video sums it up very well:

::expression of disapproval::

In other news, there's a riot outside my office. Again. Damn protesters. As if the Occupy movement didn't create enough of a shit-show downtown. Now there are May Day protesters outside. Hundreds of them. And police force. And apparently the protesters bashed in the windows of the Federal Courthouse.

So. Annoying.

Update: Buildings on our block are being vandalized.  The BoA building, Federal Courthouse and Chase Bank are going into lockdown. Westlake seems to be demonstrating peacefully so hopefully it's all under control by the time I leave.

I should be used to this stuff by now, for sure. But I can't help my heart from palpitating a little when I look out my office window and see that kind of stuff.

**I should mention that, while Occupy Seattle provided the peaceful protests, they did not provide the anarchists and violence. Their invitations did not say BYOA. That was all Black Bloc.**

More is more...on the dance floor.

Song for this post: "I'll Do It" ~ Heidi Montag

She's the train wreck that just keeps replaying on the reality tv screen of mankind.

Heidi Montag, why oh why are you still trying to be talented (read: smart, witty, clever, pretty, worthwhile...)???

Lil' Miss Fake McBigtits just released ANOTHER album.  Well, it's an EP...but still.  Does anyone else remember this shit-show:

Punctuation pisses me off.!,:;'"?

Song for this post: "Say It Ain't So" ~ Weezer

Okay so here's the deal: It's not like I'm some grammar-obsessed language Nazi. I'm not. In fact, I get pretty liberal with a lot of punctuation and slang terms because I think tone of voice is absolutely superior to traditional language rules.

But some things just make me giggle (and piss me off).

Last night on the ferry ride home I had to go to the bathroom. I noticed while in there that, on the inside of the stall door, there was this sign:

It's fiction. I promise.

Song for this post: "Drop Dead Gorgeous" ~ April Smith

Conversation overheard on the ferry today:

Girl 1: "I'm the only girl he's never cheated on.  He cheated on every girl before me."
Girl 2: "So. Wait. He's never been faithful until you?"
Girl 1: "Right. But with me he's totally dedicated. I really trust him."
Girl 2: "What about when he goes to sea and you're not there?"
Girl 1: "He wouldn't even look at another girl. I mean, other guys do. I guess there's this thing where, if they're at sea, it's not cheating."
Girl 2: "How is that not cheating?!?"
Girl 1: "I don't know. It's just not. But he would never do that. He loves me."

...Sure honey. You just keep living that fantasy. Let us all know when he brings you back a unicorn...or the hiv.

What do Jesus & the Human Centipede have in common?

Song for this post: "Fallin" ~ Connie Francis

Last night I had a dream that I bumped into Connie Francis at a gala. I told her how obsessed with her I am and she told me I had great hair.

It's my new favorite dream.

Also, Please shiny, gold-dusted, Baby Jesus in a manger tell me this isn't real:

That's just science.

Have I told you how much I love my sister?

Like a lot.

Click to enlarge

Eat bacon for world peace.

Song for this post: "We Are Young" ~ By Fun

You know what sucks about living in Seattle? Well, nothing...except sometimes you forget what the effects of the sun are because you don't see it very often. So, for example, I spent some time outside this weekend and forgot that the sun burns.

"Your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine."

Song for this post: "Poison & Wine" ~ The Civil Wars

I don't normally post silly, girly, lovey-dovey things but I'm wholly obsessed with this song and just really want to share it. I know. Crazy. Especially coming from a girl who's been told on multiple occasions that she's her own island. In fact, my sisters and I joke about how you shouldn't hurt my feeling...because I only have one.

Firstly, I ADORE the Civil Wars. I was raised in a very country family and have a great appreciation for it.  I love me some southern music. For rlz.

Nerds 4 Eva

You know you're a nerd when:


Me:  Check out this funny math jpeg:
          http://blog.geeksaresexytech.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/maths-dance.jpg

Nick: http://www.neatorama.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/math-dance-moves.jpeg
          You can math if you want to.

Me:   You can leave cosine behind

Nick: But if your friend can't tan

Me:   Or make a secant

Nick: Then they're no friends of sine

Me:   We are so winning at life.

Nick:  WUV, TWUE WUV.  IT'S WHAT BRINGS US TOGEVVER, TODAY.

"I done made the devil a deal"

Song for this post: "Hell On Heels" ~ Pistol Annies

My mother and sister and I are recording this together:

Effing rad. I come from a long family of musicians and we're all doing an album together. It's important. I want my grandparents to have that. Family is important and mine is pretty damn amazing. Also, I'm not sure if you know this, but my Grandpa is the coolest man who ever walked the earth. He was this awesome 50s greaser with a Jerry curl and love/hate tattoos on his knuckles. He's a musician and a damn good singer and he reminds me (and everyone I know) of the perfect mix of Johnny Cash and Elvis. He can be tough as nails or the biggest heart in the world. By that I mean, he's tough as nails except with us girls. He loves us. 

A few years back he was on the news in our hometown because this guy in a grocery store parking lot did something bad. I can't remember what (hit his girlfriend...stole something...jacked a car...) Anyway, My Grampy cold clocked him and then held him there until the cops showed up. That's right. He's the man. I'm pretty sure he's either bionic or immortal. Either way, he's going to live forever. The man is in his 70s, looks like he's 45, is still fit as a fiddle and spends his time building shit, hunting, and makin' music.  Nothing holds that guy down.

I'm super stoked to sing with him. Both my sister and I have a duet with him.

I'll start posting our finished tracks as they are completed.

Who needs a US security policy? Not me!

Song for this post: "Monster" ~ Kanye West feat. Nicki Minaj

Really, United States Government? Really?

In an era saturated with some of the most ridiculous forms of entertainment (Jersey Shore, Tori & Dean, and those stupid effing Facebook games) as well as some of the most outrageous policy I've seen our government try to pass in a LONG time (like penalizing women in Arizona for using birth control and don't even get me started on the state of our national security) it shouldn't come as a shock that the United States Secret Service is interviewing celebrities about their potential threats against our president.

Wait. What?

I'll say that again:

Kelly Clarkson

Song for this post: "Slept So Long" ~ Jay Gordon

"Do you see spots? Do you hear voices? Does Elvis talk to you?"

Feel my forehead. Does it feel hot to you? I must be either sick or out of my goddamned mind because I'm going to miss the Friday Staff Meeting this week. On purpose.

I feel like a traitor.

Attractive personal traits

Song for this post: "How'd You Like That" ~ The Kooks

"I don't feel like enough people compliment me on my humility."

...one of the greatest sentences I've ever heard.

The girl who couldn't make up her mind.

Song for this post: "I Never Told You" ~ Colbie Callait

Okay. Okay. Go ahead and point you finger. Say, "I told you so." I'll concede.

It's been 2 months since I moved out of Seattle and, while I LOVE my place, I've been really missing the city.

Why did I move to begin with?

The blank white page. El Diablo Blanco.

Song for this post: "Premonition - Reprise" ~ Conjure One

THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO WRITING BETTER THAN YOU NORMALLY DO.
BY COLIN NISSAN

WRITE EVERY DAY

Writing is a muscle. Smaller than a hamstring and slightly bigger than a bicep, and it needs to be exercised to get stronger. Think of your words as reps, your paragraphs as sets, your pages as daily workouts. Think of your laptop as a machine like the one at the gym where you open and close your inner thighs in front of everyone, exposing both your insecurities and your genitals. Because that is what writing is all about.

DON’T PROCRASTINATE

Procrastination is an alluring siren taunting you to Google the country where Balki from Perfect Strangers was from, and to arrange sticky notes on your dog in the shape of hilarious dog shorts. A wicked temptress beckoning you to watch your children, and take showers. Well, it’s time to look procrastination in the eye and tell that seafaring wench, “Sorry not today. Today I write.”

Stepping out. Back in a bit.

Song for this post: "Tell you this" ~ April Smith

I'll be leaving Seattle today to go visit family. This means we won't be having a Friday Meeting this week.

Apologies.

Keep yourself busy with this little nugget of internet gold until I return.

In regards to the song:

It's one of my very favorites. It's all mushy and happy and about the beauty of being desperately, helplessly, and spectacularly in love with someone.

And the lyrics are incredible and it sounds (to me) like she's playing on a classical acoustic guitar which makes me super happy. Anyone? Am I right?

Sorelle

Song for this post: "North of Lights End" ~ Raised by Swans

When I was 5 my parents bought a new refrigerator. It came in this huge box that my step dad put on the back porch with the intention of breaking it down and disposing of it. Of course, to me and my sister, it was a vehicle for an endless supply of games and imagination.

We begged for that box. Our parents caved and let us have it. We put it in our room next to the bunk beds. We cut out a door and windows that opened and closed. We colored the windows with "curtains." We put our tea sets and blankets and favorite books on the inside. We pretended we were the Boxcar Children. At night, after our mother put us to bed, we'd sneak out of our bunk-bed and into the box, pretending we were in a train car and travelling to somewhere exotic; where we could find an abandoned house and raise up our orphan brothers and sisters and catch our own food and sew our own clothes. We were VERY responsible siblings in that box.

We played in that box until it fell apart. We cried when our parents took the crumpled remains away.

Green eggs & ham...pizza

Song for this post: "Good Enough" ~ Cyndi Lauper

Today's "Friday meeting" really wasn't what it usually is. Everyone is either out of office or super broke so, at first, it was just me and a girlfriend. I drank wine and ate yummy spinach/feta pizza while she talked about her son. We scheduled a night to hang out and work on her resume.

My girlfriend is awesome and she seriously underestimates herself. She's so amazing and I love her to death and she's wonderful but she's also kinda funny because she got this kick ass degree without ever thinking about what she would do with it once she had it. The only reason she got it is because she was a single mother and wanted to show her son anything is possible and you CAN go to college and achieve your dreams no matter what.

Apparently, we're all eating poop.

Song for this post: "Windowsill" ~ Arcade Fire

I'm not usually one to rock a boat. I have opinions, sure. Strong ones, in fact. But I usually keep them to myself. I'm not a big confrontation person. So I think it's fair to say that, when I do pipe up, I mean it.

The weather is getting warmer in Seattle. For the past week it's been sunny out when I get home in the evenings. It's got me pretty excited about the massive gardens and vegetable beds on my property.  When I lived in North Seattle, we had a huge garden and grew our own vegetables.  I haven't had the chance to in the last year and half though, because Lower Capitol Hill isn't exactly swarming with lawn space.

My mother has a garden. In fact, she has such a huge garden that she could probably supply vegetables to a respectable percentage of her town. And she just built a greenhouse. I think it's wonderful. I can grow vegetables but that's about it. Flowers elude me.

Why am I rambling on about gardening?

Because I hate the United States.

One of the cool kids just impressed me again.

Song for this post: "Shining Light" ~ Annie Lennox

I don't think I've mentioned here what, exactly, it is that I do for a living. We all know I love my job, coworkers, and company. But I don't think I've discussed what role I play in it.

I'm a manipulative a-hole. 

We're painting the roses red...

Song for this post: "Painting the Roses Red" ~ Alice In Wonderland Soundtrack (1959)

I'm not sure what it is about Seattle and our trees. I know that we're super into nature (though not as obsessive as Portlanders). I'll be the first to admit that REI is a dangerous place for my paycheck. But honestly...

...making them blue?

Hopefully you all remember the sweaters we put on trees in Pioneer Square.

Apparently we decided the trees in Westlake look better in blue.  I get it, I guess. It's right next to the mall. It's important to look your best.

"But I can't read!"

Song for this post: "Never Going Back Again" ~ Fleetwood Mac

Awwww. Work. Liquor. Dick jokes. It all makes me feel so warm and fuzzy.

Today marked our first day back at our "Friday Staff Meeting" since before all of that hellish (and sometimes fun) business travel. Believe me, we needed to reconvene.

My friend, the bear.

Song for this post: "Possum Kingdom" ~ Toadies

I have a friend I've known, quite literally, since daycare.  We fell out of each other's lives for many, many years but, as expected, these days we're still just as up in each other's head as two people could be. The result is some pretty epic word exchanges (see left sidebar of this blog for example A).

Example B:

Nick: I think the first year there, I HAVE to live on/near Cap Hill. If I'm gonna be WFH, I need to be closer to social activities and avenues lest I become a crazy bearded hermit that has a habit of gutting coeds. 

Me: Just the little blonde coeds...keep it true to form. 

Nick: I'd prefer a redhead, honestly, but only if she's under 5'6'' 

Me: You don't gut redheads, Nick. That's a rule. You shackle them in your basement and dollify them. You know better than that.

...because that's not creepy.

Facebook Will Be The Death Of Us All?

Song for this post: "Right Here, Right Now" ~ Fatboy Slim

I hear a lot about social media and how it's created a race of people who are socially inept in a live setting. I've even caught myself saying similar things on occasion. Given, this was years ago, before it became an inherent part of what I do for a living, but I'm guilty nonetheless.

The argument is that people spend so much time in front of a PC (or tablet or smartphone) communicating via text that they've forgotten (or never learned) the skill of face to face communication. I get it. It's a little bit scarier when you don't have the chance to delete, edit, and correct your thoughts before sending them. So I understand how the movement or shift in our society may have caused some damage to traditional methods of interacting.

But that it's created a disconnect? I don't think so.

To Houston In A Handbasket

Song for this post: "Gunpoweder & Lead" ~ Miranda Lambert

So, I'm back from Houston. What do I have to show for it? A massive bruise on my right arm (and my pride), a head cold from Hades, some kick ass corporate clothing, a nice collection of vendor swag, and a strong desire to take a vacation, unplug the phone, and take enough benadryl to sedate a small village.

Honestly, though, it wasn't that bad. Outside of the 3 hours of sleep a night, the incredible and death defying acts of excessive drinking, and fried food EVERYTHING, it was pretty okay.

It started at 3:30 in the morning. I had to be in Seattle by 6 so I had to take the first ferry out of Bremerton. Busses don't run that early in Seattle so, when the ferry got to port I did the only logical thing: I rented a lincoln towncar to deliver me to the office in proper fashion.  I wish I would have taken a picture of this but it was early, I was tired, and I didn't have coffee in my system yet. I actually made the driver circle the block while I Googled which Starbucks in the downtown area was open at 5:30 on Saturday morning...then I made him take me there. For that brief moment, at the crack of dawn, I was Anna Wintour.

We all got to the airport with time to spare so, at 7:00 AM me and my boss decided to spend our time constructively: by drinking bloody marys. Wish he would have told me he ordered doubles. I might have protested...had I known.  Or not. You know...

I should say here that I HATE flying Alaska Air. HATE. I should have said something when the flights were being booked but totally spaced it. It's like flying in an easy bake oven. Toddlers have toys that are made from better and more durable plastics than that shit is made from.  So I spent the first part of the flight ready to barf in my coworker's lap until we stabilized. 

Don't touch it! It could give you a disease.

Song for this post: "Business Time" ~ Flight of the Concords

Not a lot of people who read this will know this and I thought it was worth mentioning:

Everyone knows by this point that, on Fridays, my boss and coworkers and I drink our faces off at Alibi Room for our lunch.  What many don't know is what Alibi Room is.

Blame Canada

Song for this post: "Informer" ~ Snow

Last day in Canada. Tomorrow morning we go back to Seattle for 2 days and then off to Houston.

Firstly, my hotel suite was BA.  Kudos to our accounting department for spoiling us.Given, I felt like my mom was cleaning my room the whole trip, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.  Every time I got back I'd find all of my clothes folded and put back in my suit case and all of my makeup neatly arranged on the counter in the bathroom. I've been telling myself little elves do it.

I did NOT leave it this clean.

What have I learned at this tradeshow? On a professional level, our partners are amazing. On a totally inappropriate, unprofessional level, well...

KONY 2012

Song for this post: "Change" ~ Carrie Underwood

Today I was going to write about who won the contest from a few weeks ago.  I was going to show you my new nails and tout about a house warming gift I got. I actually already saved a draft post with notes to make sure I covered everything. But, I'm going to interrupt all of that for something important. My last blog was about what it was like working for a charity and, when I started this one, I promised myself I would keep it light. But, I'm me. You're you. You know me. I can't help myself.

Bayside High Rocks My Socks

Song for this post: "Intergalactic" ~ Beastie Boys

I know. I've been completely MIA for the last week and a half.  Sorry guys. The thing you'll learn about me when you get to know me is that I have this habit of changing up everything at once at the most inconvenient times. You might plan a move. Me? I do it 3 months early during the busiest and most stressful time of the year at work...because I'm either really good at coping or really shitty at thinking critically.  I'm sure it's a bit of both. One must lend itself to the other.

So. I'm in the house. That's good news. I'll get pics up soon.

Also, my head hasn't exploded at work.  Also good news.

Basically, it's win/win right now.

Here's a quick(ish) recap of the then, now and what's to come:

Intermission

I'm not ignoring you. I swear.

I'll surface from under this pile of unpacking and heavy deadlines later this week.

Promise.

In the meantime, keep yourself busy with this little nugget of gold (in honor of National Pancake Day):

If you're not in the loop, a ton of people think their shit's hotter than Busta Rhymes in Chris Brown's song Look At Me Now and they like to try to prove it by posting videos of themselves butchering it on Youtube. The first big remake I know of came from Karmin and continues to be my favorite. thing. ever.  She's a badass.

Personal defense makes me feel pretty

Song for this post: "Blow" ~ Ke$ha

Two very important things just happened in my office:

1. My taser came in 3 days early! Don't worry everybody. I read the instructions very carefully a number of times before my coworker, Tim, and I played with it. Lemme tell ya: this sucker's LOUD!  So loud, in fact, that the IT guy got really paranoid when he heard electrical spark sounds coming from my office. hehe :)

I hope my kid is an ass-kickin' rap princess.

Song for this post: "Moment 4 Life" ~ Nicki Minaj

Have I told you all how much I love Sophia Grace? Well, I do. I pray to God my children pop out as little, British pop princesses rapping awesome Nicki Minaj songs.

Sophia (and her hype-girl Rosie) made yet another appearance on Ellen recently and that pretty much makes my day.

Srsly. Youtube some of their videos. She's the funniest, most entertaining, little girl ever and she's RIDICULOUSLY comfortable in front of an audience.

I want one.

There is a serial killer in my neighborhood

No song...because this isn't very cheery.

Today very quickly placed itself in a hand basket and went to Hades.

I have lived in my townhouse for a year and a half. It's in a sketchy neighborhood in Seattle, sure. But there's NEVER been a problem here. I've never even heard a raised voice. Now I'm leaving this sketchy neighborhood for a beautiful, idyllic, 1950s seaside neighborhood. I'm moving into a beautiful house and will be a ferry commuter.  You know what else I just found out my new neighborhood has?

A serial killer.

Getting older makes me dumber

Song for this post: "Today" ~ Smashing Pumpkins

Taken from Doctor Quack's blog post on why it sucks to be aging:

Not only am I dumber than I used to be, I’m also more retarded.

Maybe the first clause is due to this principle: “The more things you know to exist, the dumber you feel,” but that doesn’t help me feel any less retarded. And I don’t mean that in an offensive-slur kind of way. Literally, I feel like I’m mentally handicapped, at least compared to how I used to be. Let’s take language as an example:

No one does it like Elvis.

Song for this post: "Moon River" ~ Audrey Hepburn

I woke up without an alarm at 7:00 AM. On a Sunday. Most people would be pissed by that but I think it's pretty fantastic.  Most of my family members wake up really early and I've always thought it's great how much they can accomplish before noon.  We don't have much life to live...I don't want to miss the few mornings I have in this world sleeping.

Chuck Norris for President

Song for this post: "Down Under" ~ Men At Work

So. It's Friday. And that means "Friday Staff Meeting." I know last week was really disappointing so you'll be pleased to know that not only was this week substantially more exciting, but shots started almost an hour ahead of schedule. There was so much gold going on that I had to take notes.

Go team!

Here's a brief recap of some fairly serious issues:

"This world was made for you and me."

Song for this post: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" ~ George Michael

From my darling friend Gennifer:  (I found this so insightful and well written that it had to be reposted here.)

What the heck is string theory?

Song for this post: "Science is Real" ~ They Might Be Giants 

I should have been a middle school science teacher:

The topic of string theory came up today in a thread on my sister's facebook. Not shocking. My sisters and I have a bad habit of getting super scientific and super philosophical way too early in the morning. Anyway, a few people who saw it asked me in messages what the heck string theory is.  So, here ya go.  I'm gonna break it down for ya'll:

Marriage is NOT for suckers

Song for this post: "Forever" ~ Chris Brown

This makes me happier than I'm able to contain and still present a composed outward demeanor. Like, embarrassingly, giddy happy. You know, like I might actually be human. It makes me want to slide down rainbows and ride unicorns into the sunset and shit.

Sometimes I amuse myself...

First 3 people to email me the explanation of 42 (and the second solution that followed) and give me the full quote for mankind and it's source will get something special snail mailed to them. For real.

Ok go!

Caro mio ben...

Song for this post: "Caro mio ben" ~ Malena Ernman

I scored a free, upright piano for the new house! So excited.

Most of you know that I love to sing and play music. I've done both since I was very little. I took voice lessons for a long time too.  It's the source of some of my favorite childhood memories.  My foster sister and I always scheduled our lessons back to back so we could go together. We did everything together. I think that, if we lived close to each other, we probably still would.  No one is closer to me than she is.  She's been my very best friend since the 7th grade...and then she became my sister.  I'm 30 now so, you do the math.

Anyway, our voice instructor was named Betsy and she had this adorable little cottage in the country with a vw bus parked next to it.  She was beautiful and young and had an infant who was always present during lessons. She'd named her daughter Aria which, anyone who's studied music knows, is a short opera.

Excuse me. I mustache you a question:

Song for this post: "Douchebag" ~ Patent Pending 

Feeling very debonnaire."

Every day I get "words of the day" delivered to my email inbox from two sources: Merriam-Webster, and Urban Dictionary. I think it's important to be well rounded. Also, I like words. "Say words, Elle!"


Today's Urban Dictionary word:

Any felonies in the last 7 years?

Song for this post: "Terrorist Threat" ~ Ice Cube ...because, why not?

When I got this new house (13 days until I move in!) the landlord had to run a credit and background check on me. I've never had a background check run on me before so this was fairly exciting.  I was curious to see what kind of mischief I had been getting into right under my nose.

Paula Deen is the new Wilfred Brimley.

Click image to enlarge.

PS. Speaking of Paula Deen, Glozell is my new favorite person on the planet.  I want her to be my BFFL. Srsly. Have you seen her cinnamon challenge?!?!? I almost peed I laughed so hard.

I'd eat the shit out of your homemade cookies!

Song for this post: "Marry Me" ~ Martin Sexton

And just like that, totally inadvertently, my outstanding Sissy managed to make me laugh so hard I forgot how sad I am today. Thank you Pinterest, and my Sissy, for cheering me up after a pretty upsetting day:

Mi corazón es el corazón.

Song for this post: "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye..." ~ Boys II Men

Today I rehomed my cat. I've had him for nearly 12 years and love him to pieces. It would be hard to have a pet by your side for that long and NOT being utterly attached to them. But, the truth is, he's getting older and needs more attention. I'm going to be living alone and travelling for work.  It's not fair to him to leave him home alone all the time.

I found this amazing lady who loves animals and has such a big heart. She really reminded me of my own mother. She came today with her daughter and took my kitty away. And I cried like a big ol' baby.

What am I doing now, you ask?

Friday staff meeting

Song for this post: "C.R.E.A.M." ~ Wu Tang

I know I usually have an interesting story about our "Friday sales staff meetings" but, this week, I really don't. Our time at Alibi Room was surprisingly tame. We each had very few drinks (I really have no tolerance since January Prohibition), ate some pizza and talked about normal things.

I got to see pictures of my boss's beautiful children. We talked about my coworker considering island living (I'm an advocate, as we all know), and the bartender, Lindsey, and I scheduled a shopping date for Valentine's Day.

All good things. All very normal. We did talk briefly about adult circumcision but, for us, that's pretty tame. Oh! This totally inappropriate thing made laugh...so there's that. Thank you George Takei for being totally creepy.

What can I say? Next week we'll try harder.

RE: The song for this post: In lieu of some sordid story have some mid-nineties gansta rap.

Cough. Cough. Gag. Hack.

Song for this post: "Heart Shaped Box" ~ Nirvana

I don't normally voice such strong opinions. I'll just put that out there right now. But I'm standing by it.

This morning I was waiting at my bus stop when it occurred to me I was having a hard time breathing. I looked around and, on every side of me, someone was smoking.

I used to be a smoker. For the life of me I can't figure out why. But, I was one. And I'm not now. In fact, I'm SO not that it baffles me why I ever did to begin with. I genuinely HATE everything about it. I think it's disgusting. There are not adjectives to describe how awful I think it is and how much I wish I could take back all those years of damaging my body with cigarettes. And I think that gives me a broad understanding of what it's like to smoke, what it's like not to smoke, and how it effects those around you who don't share your habit.

Pilgrimage to the center of time.

Song for this post: "Lonely Hands" ~ Angus & Julia Stone

"The tragedy of this world is that no one is happy, whether stuck in a time of pain or of joy. The tragedy of this world is that everyone is alone. For a life in the past cannot be shared with the present. Each person who gets stuck in time gets stuck alone."

You wanna do something that will ruin your day and fill you with utter despair? Read "Einstein's Dreams" by Alan Lightman.

Srsly.

I'm gonna eat your brains and gain your knowledge.

Song for this post: "Run For Your Life" ~ Saint Daemon

On Wednesdays I go running.

I should probably clarify that. Here's my weekly gym schedule (all done on my lunch hour):

Monday: Elliptical
Tuesday: Lap Swimming
Wednesday: Long distance treadmill
Thursday: Lap Swimming
Friday: Elliptical

See?  Certifiably insane.

Let your freak flag fly.

Song for this post: "Diamonds on the Inside" ~ Ben Harper

I have these nightmares that I'm in a public place or with someone I'm trying to impress and something awful happens, like my hair falls out or I pee all over myself. You know...things that are fairly unbecoming. I think it's a lingering and deep seeded "ugly duckling" psychosis that never left me. I wasn't very popular in school.  I didn't have it as hard as some but I was definitely the girl who did everything wrong. If there was a chance for embarrassment, I seemed to take the ball and run with it.  School for me was like a shotput...only the ball was my own humiliation. Obviously, as I've gotten older, I've realized that we ALL felt that way; like we didn't fit in.  We felt like, any moment, we were going to say something stupid or, worse, our bizarre teenaged bodies were going to rebel against us in some mortifying and unforgivable way.

Pie fights, composting toilets, and waking up to harp music.

Song for this post: "Fortunate Son" ~ Creedance Clearwater Revival

I've been looking for an upright piano to add to the new place lately since I have the room now. I have played for years and had an upright when I lived in my hometown but had to sell it because I didn't have anywhere to put it in Seattle.

Anyway, I found this guy who restores pianos, resells them, and rents them. So I emailed him to see if I could come look at a few. Turns out he has more than 100 in his warehouses and nothing to do with them. He said Bremerton is a long way to move a piano from his location in Whidbey and he wasn't sure if it would be worth it for me. So he offered to just give me one.

Aerobic infidelity in the workplace.

Song for this post: "Walk Away" ~ Kelly Clarkson

Me: "I'm going to the gym."
Receptionist: "Tell him I said hello. I haven't seen him in a while."
Me: "I'm sure Gym understands. It's a love hate relationship."
Receptionist: "I think he's upset that I've been spending time with Ben & Jerry."

"Light up, light up."

Song for this post: "Run" ~ Leona Lewis

Hey I just realized I haven't told you about my excursion into long distance, financially charged, quasi guardianship.

My office is in the heart of downtown Seattle. That means that we're all super busy, smug, office-obsessed aholes between the hours of well...always.  But it also means that we all have a pretty well developed guilt complex.  This makes downtown a PRIME location for outreach representatives to do business.

Oh The Vanity (4)

Song for this post: "Like A G6" ~ Far East Movement

There's so much change going on right now that I haven't been able to sleep lately. I seem to be in a permanent state of "amped-up." The caffeine I'm constantly putting in my system doesn't help either. On the up side, my productivity level is WAY up.

Suck it up! Rub some dirt in it!

Song For This Post: "Bulletproof" ~ La Roux

I get that I'm a woman and that means I have all these hormones and emotions and stuff. It's like we all have this "crazy soup" in our brains that, sometimes, makes us overreact just a little.

Everyone who knows me well knows that, while I'm a nice girl, I'm not terribly empathetic. In fact, emoting publicly is sort of terrifying for me.  Most people enjoy hugs and displays of emotion. It makes them feel connected to the other person. It makes me feel uncomfortable...or, you know, like I'm being stabbed.

So it was a little surprising to me this morning when a firetruck flew past my bus stop and I started bawling like a small, disturbed child.

"Real Change"

Song for this post: "When You're Smiling" ~ Louis Armstrong

For those of you who don't know, the blog I kept before this documented my experience while working for a nonprofit that helps the homeless population of Seattle.  It was a pretty life changing experience for me and made a huge impact on how I look at people, society, and how we interact with each other.

One of the other nonprofits we worked with is called Real Change News. It's a local newspaper designed to help homeless persons improve their situation.  All of the articles are written by the homeless and distribution is done entirely by the homeless. They buy papers at a minimal cost and resell them so they have money in their pockets.  There's one man who positions himself at the Starbucks on 23rd Ave S. & Jackson St who sells them in the mornings, goes to school in the afternoons, and stays at the shelter I worked at overnight.

"Drove me like a magnet to the sea..."

Song for this post: "Crystal" ~ Stevie Nicks

When I started writing our book series I spent a lot of time researching US cities so I could find one that had enough interest in it that the storyline would be planted in reality. I ended up choosing Thomasville, GA because it had been in a CNN poll the year before I started book 1.  It's listed in the top 5 cities to visit because of the INCREDIBLE gardens.  Thomasville is known for their roses (and paint according to the commercials, haha). As a result, we've spent a lot of time including little details in book one about gardens and the care and "pomp and circumstance" that Georgians give them.

What's my point in all this?

Is Tator Tot Mr. Potato Head's son?

Song for this post: "Winin' Boy Blues" ~ Hugh Laurie (House)

My new house has this adorable, retro, 1950s kitchen with this awesome 1950s stove. There's this new fad with appliances and designing them in 1950s style (see this for reference) which I think is effing fantastic.  It goes well with my obsession with cooking aprons (just got a new one a few weeks ago). I plan on always having martinis ready in my house. Feel free to stop by. In the meantime...

Hello house. I like you.

Song for this post: "Home" ~ Michael Buble'

Good news!

Welcome home, me.

Click for more photos

Bonjour, Girl!

Song for this post: "Stupid Cupid" ~ Connie Francis

Another weekend past.  What do you have to say for yourself, me?

This weekend boasted a few memorable moments:

"Little latin boy in drag, why are you crying?"

Song for this post: "She's A Lady" ~ Tom Jones

Well, that's it folks. January prohibition is officially over. I realize it's 3 days early but, you know what, I had a really good day at work following a really shitty week at work and my boss and I thought it deserved a celebration.

So how did we celebrate, you ask?

Rawwwwr! I'm a snow monster!!!

Song for this post: "Bad Kids" ~ Black Lips

Seattle Snowpocalypse 2012 is in remission (in most areas) and what do I have to show for it?

Wherever they land, there shall they be buried!

It snowed in Seattle...

While most of the country would say, "so what," Seattlites act like it's the GD end of the world.  And, even though the reaction is wholly overblown, I suppose we do have some valid reasons for the hysteria:

Anonymous

Song for this post:  Has been removed by the United States government.

███ ██ █ ████ everything ███ █████ is █████ ████ ████ fine ████ ███ █ ██████ trust █████ ██████ ███ your █████ ████ government.

"Politics have no relation to morals" ~ Niccolo Machiavelli

Song for this post: "Township Rebellion" ~ Rage Against the Machine

Fear got the best of you and in your panic, you turned to the now President in command Barack Obama. He promised you order. He promised you peace. And all he demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent.

Okay. So let's talk about the SOPA issue. We may as well...everyone else is.

Jessica Lange rocks my socks.

Song for this post: "Submariner" ~ Axwell

It finally snowed in Seattle. I'm disappointed, actually. Last year it was a nightmarish shit show. This year?  It's less than 24 hours later and everything is pretty much back to normal.  But that didn't stop me from the eccentric behavior I pride myself on so much.

What did I do to enjoy the snow?

Rabbit Hole

Song for this post: "Golden Afternoon" ~ Alice in Wonderland (1959) Soundtrack



Someday, when I have a yard, I want this in it:

Who wants to go on a roller coaster?

Song for this post: "Skyscraper" Demi Lovato

This has been a particularly challenging week and I'm thankful it's nearly over.

Monday marked exactly one year since something horrible happened to me that turned my world upside down, effed up every single one of my personal relationships, and had my sanity and ability to emote on hiatus for the duration of 2011. It's been difficult getting through this week without thinking about it. I'm thankful that year has passed. Someday I'll talk about it. The problem is, when people say you should talk about it, they don't ACTUALLY want to hear it.  Things like that are hard to hear.

Best. Love song. Ever.

Song for this post: "Rosa Morena" ~ Kurt Elling

Anyone who knows me well can tell you I'm pathologically obsessed with Kurt Elling. Have been since I was 15.  I've seen him multiple times in concert and regularly check his website to see when he's coming back to the NW. I've sung a number of his songs in various jazz groups. I know his entire catalog by heart.

Oompa Loompas are sexy!

Song for this post: "I Wanna Sex You Up" ~ Color Me Badd

I look just like every other girl in the financial district in downtown Seattle. I have black boots, black leggings, and a black Jackie O inspired coat that's fitted at the waist.  Sometimes I wear a scarf.  It's like the "downtown Seattle" unifrom. Kinda redic.

Spinning in to straw...

Hey guess what I'm doing in my free time?

It's a vocal jazz piece that's been sitting in my head for years. I've just never written it down. And now I am.

Sort of exciting. I forgot how much fun composing music is!

You may say I'm a dreamer...

Song for this post: "Imagine" ~ Covered by Jack Johnson

I don't even know where to begin with today's news.  Honestly.  Oklahoma is trying to ban recognition of Sharia Law?  That's in direct violation of the First Amendment.  I realize it wouldn't be the first time the constitution (which has really become more of a suggestion) has been stomped on but really?!?!  It's not like we don't already have enough Muslim bigotry going on in our country right now. Let's just polarize US citizens a little more by building it into our judicial doctrine.

Easter Egg

Song for this post: "Prelude To A Kiss" ~ Kurt Elling*

Here, have a teaser of something I'm not going to tell you about:

...Isn't that SO obnoxious!?!?

*If you're not familiar with Kurt Elling, SERIOUSLY listen to this playlist on my Spotify account. You're welcome.

"He caught me"

Song for this post: "Sweet Disposition" ~ Temper Trap

As many may know, I made the decision in early December not to drink at all during the month of January.  After what was a very turbulent year, and a holiday season that was chalk full of festivities, I figured I needed a month to detox and return to the discipline and structure I thrive so well on.

I'm 10 days in...

Aldous Huxley can suck it.

Song for this post: "Complicated" ~ Rihanna

Okay. It's not like I'm trying to blog about my dating life (or lack thereof) so much lately. I've just been thinking about what the eff I did in the last year and, by extension, my life.

I took stock this week of the top long-term "relationships" I've had.  I use that term broadly.  I came up with an interesting connecting thread:

ALL of them LOVED the book "Brave New World" by Aldous Huxley.  I've never read it, but I feel like I should know what the big damn deal is since, apparently, there's some cosmic correlation between douchebags and Mr. Huxley.  So I downloaded it to my Kindle App and started it on the bus this morning.

A few chapters in and I already get it:

Elk.

Song for this post: "More Than Words" ~ Extreme

As we discussed in this post, my new year's resolution was to delete my dating profiles, and it made me think about the way I interact with men, how I behave on dates, and some of the fun I've had in the last year...like the lying game.  That was fun.

For a good chunk of last year we had a running joke in our house (I have two female roommates) about what a disaster the dating pool was.  I should say again, as I said in the aforementioned previous post (I know that sounds grammatically redundant but I promise you, it's not), I dated a couple of really fantastic guys last year. On the whole, though, it was sort of a shit show.

So, in an effort to have some fun with the disastrous dates we were going on I made up a game: The Lying Game.  Here's how it went down:

Courtney Love protection totem

I don't know who writes this blog but this guy is effing hilarious.

And it's true. Seattle is the best city in the continental United States....perhaps even the other two states as well...and Guam...and Palmyra Atoll.

...Okay. Maybe not that last one. US owned island nature conservatories are pretty cool.

My Hometown Is Better Than Yours

Things Delivered To The Front Desk (2)

Song for this post: "A Very Merry Unbirthday" ~ Alice In Wonderland Soundtrack

Cuppy cakes!

Families that send embarrassing displays of cupcakes to your work for your birthday are winning. :)

These were actually delivered to the front desk in November but, since I didn't have this blog then, you get to see it now:

You can just call me Susan Lucci

The live in girlfriend we discussed in this post (because, apparently, "discussions" are one sided and consist of me typing and you reading) was at my gym today on my lunch. No idea what she was doing there. I've never seen her there before and had no idea what she would be doing in downtown Seattle. When I got back to the office I looked her up on LinkedIn. Turns out she works about 600 feet from my office.

So that's awesome [read: except for no].

Just when you thought the world was a big place...

My life is very much like a soap opera.

tssssstsssssst

Song for this post: "Money" ~ The Flying Lizards

I absolutely adore where I work. The guys I work with are hilarious, we're super productive, creative, and we are all given a TON of freedom in our positions. Startups are where it's at. If you go back a few posts, you can read about our "office meetings" at the bar down the street.  We love "office meetings."

I have a corner office with a door that closes and a big window that looks out over downtown Seattle. I love my office. I share it with another guy who is equally as awesome as everyone else.  We get along great.

When I first started working here and was getting to know him, he mentioned once that sometimes his wife gets on him about trivial things like tapping the spoon against the bottom of the cereal bowl.  I feel for him. All of us women do things like that.

Here's where it gets tricky:

He makes this noise. Constantly.  About every 20-30 seconds on a normal day and every 5-10 when he's really focused in on something.  It's sort of a sucking sound through his front two top teeth.  It makes sort of a suck/whistle noise.  It drives me bat shit cray.  Problem is, if I say anything than I'm the obnoxious office wifey.  So I keep my mouth shut, put in headphones, and turn up the music.  He's a cool guy. I totally like working with him besides that one thing.

Me and another co-worker, my best office buddy, have been discussing it lately and trying to decide on my best plan of attack.  This was yesterday:

Me: He's making the noise again.
Coworker: How would I type that noise? tssssssssstsssssssssss?
Me: It can't be real. I'm starting to think it might be a dirty trick he's been playing to see how long it will take me to say something. He can't honestly not know he's doing it...  ::starting to be suspicious::
Coworker: Your best bet is to just snap and start yelling/dropping F bombs.
Me: Yes. That's clearly the only solution.
Coworker: I'm pretty sure it's what Jesus would do.
Me:  Bahahahaha
Coworker: And by Jesus, I mean the Spanish pronunciation and the dude that runs the taco stand in Bothell...

I love my job.

Perhaps I should solicit the opinions of close friends first...

Song for this post: "We Found Love" ~ Rihanna

I spent my lunch hour at the gym (a regular occurrence for me) watching that stupid show with Tabitha Alienface where she takes over salons and acts like she's hot shit and I'm like, "you're a stylist, chill out" and I got to thinking...I don't really have any resolutions to mark the coming of a new year.  I don't really believe in them. If you need to change, do it. Don't wait around for something silly like new year's resolutions.

But then I got to thinking some more...

What did I dislike most about 2011? When I think of the entire year on a very high level, what pops out to me as the biggest factor that needs to change?  The answer was easy:

Men. 

Don't get me wrong. I dated a couple of awesome men in 2011. But the past year also marked some of the MOST catastrophic dates I've ever had in my life.  Let's recap the top 5, as a reminder of who not to date:

1. Met him when I was out with a friend one night in late spring. Attractive, funny, complimenting, intelligent. He had just graduated law school.  He was with his friend, I was with mine. We played some pool and took off together to go back to the friend's apartment.  His friend and my friend went to do "other things" and he and I went on a walk. He held my hand. He bought me drinks. We cozied up by a fire. He started crying about how much he missed his girlfriend. He got so drunk he was stumbling and falling over. He couldn't remember where he lived...It was so romantic. I put us in a taxi and let him crash on my couch. He was gone before I woke up, apparently too embarrassed to face me. Probably for the best...
2. Chatted with me via internet and text for weeks. Finally met up for a birthday dinner, my birthday. We sat down at the table. The waiter came and took our drink order. My date looked longingly into my eyes and said, "You are so completely unattractive and so unpretty I'm not going to stay. I mean, I'm sorry. I'm just...I'm gonna go." He left. I started crying. I left. 5 minutes later in the taxi I realized I left my phone at the table and had to go back in, with mascara all down my face. You know what kids?  2 days later I went back to that restaurant with my two roommates, sat at the SAME table and put a band-aid made of tequila on that wound and made that bar my bitch. That's how it's done, son.
3. Picked me up in a white Porsche. Tackiest. Move. Ever.  When he opened the door for me he said, "Just so you know, I don't open doors or do nice things for people so don't get used to this."  At dinner, when I told him I didn't like gin, he yelled at me. Like, actually yelled.  That was after listening to his monologue on why cyclists are the only good people on the planet and all people who drive cars should die...excluding his Porsche, of course.
4. Stole my cell phone, went to the bathroom and installed remote backup software on it in an attempt to steal my identity. Told me he was a Russian spy.  Cake taker? It's so hard to choose...
5. Took me out for tapas and margaritas. Showed up in A&F jeans and a muscle shirt.  Hair was gelled into a preppy faux hawk. Spent the evening making fun of other men's jeans and saying things like, "Like, OMG!" I discovered shortly after that he loves Adam way more than Eve.  There was no goodnight kiss.

What's the lesson I learned from all of this?  Online dating makes for great storytelling. But it's also exhausting and I'm over it.

So my new year's resolution?  I'm deleting my online dating profiles.

Good bye POF. Goodbye OkC. You've been an interesting time...to say the least.

Who's got two thumbs?

Song for this post: "Look At Me Now" ~ Chris Brown

Just realized I'm a genius. Just now.

If I save each song I put in each post in a new playlist than it's reasonable to assume that, over time, I will have created the soundtrack to my life...without cheating and thinkin' the shit up off the cuff...because, when people do that they're just trying to be cool and interesting by listing obscure songs no one has ever heard of.

I am a winner.

This guy named Chester who I think drives a van approves.

Did I just roll through urine?

Song for this post: "Astair" ~ Matt Costa

Welcome to the last year of your lives!

Not really.  I don't subscribe to the "2012 is the end of the world" news feed...mostly because it's just utter bullshit but also because I'm not a nihilist...much.

Sure. I'll digress for a minute. The Mayans didn't actually mean "end of the world." What they actually said was "end of a cycle."  December 21, 2012 will be the first time in 26,000 years that the sun is aligned with the center of the milky way.  That's a cycle.  That's all. :)  Also, the Mayan calender, the Julian calendar, and the Greek calendar are all off by a certain number of years. Our 2012, for example, could be anywhere between 10-18 years in discrepancy. It could actually be 2022 RIGHT NOW. We'll never know. And that's why so is mankind. Brings a whole new meaning to "time is a perspective." So their end of the world being in 2012 could really be 2022, 2030, 2002, or 1994. Thanks ancestors for effing up our calendars. But it wouldn't make any difference anyway because they didn't mean "end of the world." They meant "end of a cycle." And that's this year. I think the moral of the story is to not put much stock in to shit some guy said thousands of years before modern science. Just because they're old doesn't mean they know everything.  I mean, the earth isn't actually flat, for example.

/digression.

So what did I do with my NYE you ask?  I pretended like I was 22 and went to a house party in Ballard of course!  If you're going to house party it up like you're still in college it must be done in Ballard: the heart of childish partying, hippydom and excess.  Problem is, none of our 3 ordered taxis ever showed up so, at about 2 AM we started walking.  Unfortunately, we didn't realize we were walking the wrong direction so, about an hour later we found ourselves somewhere near Fremont (I think, perhaps, here). My feet (inside of my heeled boots) were killing me, and I was growing impatient. Thank God it wasn't like that time I got too drunk in Pioneer Square, convinced myself we were never finding our hotel and we were going to die there, and laid down and ROLLED down the street. Literally. In a dress. Rolled. Crying.

We finally hailed an empty taxi (impressive for NYE) and made it home sometime between 3-4 AM.

All in all a good night.

I didn't get a picture of myself, as I was too busy drinking heavily from a tippy cup I had bought for the occasion (no reloading!) but I did get this girl (if it's any indication of the good times had):

Sunday? Breakfast and then napping. all. day. 

Sunday night? Going away party.

Monday?  First run of the year and it was effing fantastic. I got to break in my new Brooks which thoroughly kick ass.  Did just over 3 miles. I know...weeny. But it's the first outdoor run I've done all winter. Can't wait for more sunlight so I can get out more.

Picture at the crest of my run:

So what's 2012 look like for me?  Well, I'm not drinking in January. I think I need a break from the debauchery.  No resolutions other than that.  I already work out. I already have an awesome job. And I already love my city. I do have a goal this year but I already had it so it's not a resolution. And I can't talk about it yet. Don't you love it when I say pointless shit with no obvious meaning? Yeah. Me too.

Welcome to 2012 everyone!