Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Perhaps I should solicit the opinions of close friends first...

Song for this post: "We Found Love" ~ Rihanna

I spent my lunch hour at the gym (a regular occurrence for me) watching that stupid show with Tabitha Alienface where she takes over salons and acts like she's hot shit and I'm like, "you're a stylist, chill out" and I got to thinking...I don't really have any resolutions to mark the coming of a new year.  I don't really believe in them. If you need to change, do it. Don't wait around for something silly like new year's resolutions.

But then I got to thinking some more...

What did I dislike most about 2011? When I think of the entire year on a very high level, what pops out to me as the biggest factor that needs to change?  The answer was easy:


Don't get me wrong. I dated a couple of awesome men in 2011. But the past year also marked some of the MOST catastrophic dates I've ever had in my life.  Let's recap the top 5, as a reminder of who not to date:

  1. Met him when I was out with a friend one night in late spring. Attractive, funny, complimenting, intelligent. He had just graduated law school.  He was with his friend, I was with mine. We played some pool and took off together to go back to the friend's apartment.  His friend and my friend went to do "other things" and he and I went on a walk. He held my hand. He bought me drinks. We cozied up by a fire. He started crying about how much he missed his girlfriend. He got so drunk he was stumbling and falling over. He couldn't remember where he lived...It was so romantic. I put us in a taxi and let him crash on my couch. He was gone before I woke up, apparently too embarrassed to face me. Probably for the best...
  2. Chatted with me via internet and text for weeks. Finally met up for a birthday dinner, my birthday. We sat down at the table. The waiter came and took our drink order. My date looked longingly into my eyes and said, "You are so completely unattractive and so unpretty I'm not going to stay. I mean, I'm sorry. I'm just...I'm gonna go." He left. I started crying. I left. 5 minutes later in the taxi I realized I left my phone at the table and had to go back in, with mascara all down my face. You know what kids?  2 days later I went back to that restaurant with my two roommates, sat at the SAME table and put a band-aid made of tequila on that wound and made that bar my bitch. That's how it's done, son.
  3. Picked me up in a white Porsche. Tackiest. Move. Ever.  When he opened the door for me he said, "Just so you know, I don't open doors or do nice things for people so don't get used to this."  At dinner, when I told him I didn't like gin, he yelled at me. Like, actually yelled.  That was after listening to his monologue on why cyclists are the only good people on the planet and all people who drive cars should die...excluding his Porsche, of course.
  4. Stole my cell phone, went to the bathroom and installed remote backup software on it in an attempt to steal my identity. Told me he was a Russian spy.  Cake taker? It's so hard to choose...
  5. Took me out for tapas and margaritas. Showed up in A&F jeans and a muscle shirt.  Hair was gelled into a preppy faux hawk. Spent the evening making fun of other men's jeans and saying things like, "Like, OMG!" I discovered shortly after that he loves Adam way more than Eve.  There was no goodnight kiss.
What's the lesson I learned from all of this?  Online dating makes for great storytelling. But it's also exhausting and I'm over it.

So my new year's resolution?  I'm deleting my online dating profiles.

Good bye POF. Goodbye OkC. You've been an interesting time...to say the least.


  1. I think this is a seriously awesome idea.

  2. You never did have very good taste in men. And yes, I am including myself in that statement.