Friday, July 27, 2012

You're a D@&!#bag

Does this work for ANYONE?!? Seriously?!?!

Click to enlarge all.

His opening line in his message to me is, "You'd look good on my arm." Um. No thanks. But I figured it was worth reading more, for entertainment value...

...more after the jump.

Beer, Tauntauns, and the Huxtables.

OMG you guys. You know what's inside of this? A person. That's right. It's the Best. Costume. Ever. I NEED this. Thank you Jenny Lawson, for continuously enlightening me and making my world a better, more interesting, and more creative place that lacks any sense of limits or boundaries. You are one of my favorite people EVER.

Also, did you guys see Stephen Colbert weigh in on the Chick-Fil-A fiasco?

Um, lemmeseewhathappenedthisweek...

Friday, July 20, 2012

Why am I so weird? Why are we all so weird?

No song for this post.

I want to talk a bit about human relationships today. Sorry guys, but it's not very funny.

Recently, someone asked a friend of mine why they hang out with me...because they thought I was weird. This affected me a little more than I let on. Being "weird" has always been a point of hurt for me. It started when I was little and, even at 30, I've never quite gotten over it. Do I appreciate that I'm not some drone? Yes! But that doesn't mean that having it pointed out by a practical stranger that I'm not the most normal person on the planet isn't hurtful.

This comment was also well timed with some issues going on in my personal life and it all got me thinkin' a great deal about my situation. If I'm one thing, it's that I'm hyper self-aware.

Everyone has pet peeves. One of mine is people who name call and judge without having the vaguest idea of the situation.  The other is when people chew with their mouths open. So let me clear it up for you:

Why am I weird?

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Nerd. Love.

Song for this post: "Love to Love You Baby" ~ Donna Summer

I've just hit a new level of my love for nerds. Is it bad that this actually makes me swoon?

Srsly. Someone do this and send me video or pictures (of the tech stuff, not the sexy time...of course).

Also, I was thinking about themed parties tonight (I LOVE throwing shindigs) and had a thought that we should ttly have a YAY HEALTHCARE party! We can have all the glasses be empty tylenol bottles (the big Costco ones) and make togas out of hospital gowns. Spodies can be put in IV bags. FUN!

Say yes to fun and creativity. Even the ancient Romans got drunk and wrote on "bathroom stalls:"

FYI: I want this plush doll.

Lastly, OMG you guys. I got my county ballot in the mail today.  Maybe it makes me the most boring person on the planet but I always get REALLY excited about voting. I'm using my voice! I'm chiming in! I'm doin' mah due diligence yo! I'm a member of this county! FUCK YA YA'LL! WHAT NOW?!?!?

::chest pump::

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Are you peeing into a cocktail glass?!?

Song for this post: "Tearjerker" Red Hot Chili Peppers"

If you're in the Seattle area, get your ass to Pike Market tomorrow by 1:45. It'll be a madhouse, but Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis will be there making coffee and promoting their new film.


In other news: Are you a sports fan? Love live events? Hate that you can't bring your own liquor?  Now your problems are solved!

It's kinda gross, but so smart. Thanks, bored jocks, for thinkin' this stuff up.

Okay, so I still have disposable cameras from the 8th grade I never developed. No joke. From before digital cameras were created and dinosaurs roamed the earth. Fortunately, some dude just came out with a little device that scans negatives into your iPhone.

wha Wha WHAT?!? That is SO genius!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Star Crossed Lovers

There's only one piece from this week's episode of So You Think You Can Dance that I need to talk about and it's this:

Bawling. My. Eyes. Out.

Such a beautiful piece of choreography telling such a beautiful story.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

The early fish catches the....

Song for this post: "River of Deceit" ~ Mad Season

Hey, remember that post I wrote about grammar and the proper use of an Oxford comma?  Well, this is my favorite image of the day:

I'm kind of swamped with deadlines right now and mentally preoccupied by the fact that  MY SISSY IS COMING TO VISIT TOMORROW. As a result, I lack the brain capacity to be very interesting.

So, instead, here's a bunch of shit I heard, read, or saw this week:

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Bella Swan's Armpits Smell Awesome!

Song for this post: "Monster" ~ Kanye West feat. Nicki Minaj

Last night at the check out in the grocery store a classy older woman asked me what the weird little green things in my pile of groceries were.

"Those are fresh garbanzo beans that haven't been shucked yet," I replied. "There absolutely delicious when you sautee' them with a little EVOO and pepper. I'm going to make them with seared halibut."

The classy older woman smiled, and told me she just adores garbanzo beans and she'd just have to give that a try. Then she flicked her pashmina scarf back over her shoulder and said, "That's just marvy."

She's my new idol.

You know who's NOT my idol? Twilighters. That's who. How much more can you people exploit an already ridiculous, vapid franchise?!? Oh I know! Deodorant:

"I rub Degree Girls Twilight Kiss on my smelly parts because I want to be just like Bella Swan."

That's it. That's my limit.

::Steps down from stage, throws microphone on floor, and leaves the room::

Oh hey! You know what this week is? This week is the anniversary of the first satellite being launched into space! Why's that important? Oh I don't know...maybe because that's why we can have cell phones, the internet and about a billion other awesome things that rely on wireless transmission.  Happy birthday satellites. You're outta this world!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Words to live by:

WTF is "mellow fruitfulness?!?"

Song for this post: "There's Hope Yet" ~ Raised By Swans (the best band EVER)

Since it's been a main theme in my life, and now the lives of the people around me, I thought it worth discussing here:

I'll be 31 this year. And while my 30s are proving pretty great when it comes to physical things (I make more money, I have a great house, etc) and general relationships (My friendships are qualified, loving, mature friendships with solid foundations), I've suddenly become acutely aware of not just my utter failing in romantic relationships, but my own mortality as well. These are two themes that didn't really matter to me in my 20s. There would always be more relationships. There would always be another year. There would always be more chances. 

But that's not true and that fact has rooted itself in my mind and created both a renewed sense of urgency to experience it all and be a more genuine "Now-ist," as well as this quiet sense of desperation that's been growing inside of me like a cancer.

I heard somewhere once that spending chances is the worst kind of extravagance.

What if I never find love? What if I never have a family? What if my legacy dies with me and I never have the opportunity to raise beautiful human life? Why am I holding my existence up against this baseline as if that option is the only one that could possibly bring me life-fulfilling happiness? Why am I being such a cliche' and asking these existential questions in my 30s?

Here's the truth: When you are too focused on one thing, you miss out on everything.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

A petting zoo and a WHAT kind of massage?!?

Song for this post: "Your Love" ~ The Outfield

This weekend I got to dogsit. Nick got tickets to the beer festival and wanted to drink it up with friends from high school. So he brought his dog to my house for the weekend which worked out for me because I love Lita. I'd love to have a dog but I'm not home enough to be a good pet owner. Someday. Someday I'll publish well and won't have to work and I can get dobermans and write all day.

At least, that's the dream.

Anyway, Lita does this hilarious thing when she hears church, in a phone alarm:

She really hates church bells. But doesn't she totally sound like a dying ROUS?

Friday, July 6, 2012

Mermaids, deaf chicks, and aliens who kill children...

Song for this post: "Motown Philly" ~ Boys II Men

"Seals are just dog mermaids. Think about it."

Happy Friday everyone. Now that summer has finally hit Seattle I'm spending a lot of time obsessing over seafaring things like kayaking, swimming, discovering lost species like some non-fictional Captain Nemo...

So I was thrilled when the US government helped me wrap my head around the very confusing and oft puzzled over existence of mermaids.

Breaking news: Mermaids are not real, U.S. government declares

As my friend Andrew so eloquently stated:

Click to enlarge

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Happy 4th! Let's blow shit up!

Song for this post: "Titanium" ~ David Guetta feat. Sia

Happy 4th of July everyone!  I hope you're being safe. Have fun. Drink you face off. Light shit on fire. Don't drive. Don't be like these people:

I live in a Navy town so, basically, it's sounded like a war zone here all day. EVERYONE is lighting fireworks and not just fireworks, but those big missile-size ones that sound like the apocalypse has come.

There were some events I could have gone to in the city but I HAPPILY chose to spend today sleeping in and vegging around the house. What I discovered is that I'm getting really bad at "vegging." On the up side, I got to play with my new electric lawn mower (which is AMAZING!) and then weed my MASSIVE garden.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Zombies helped me lose weight!

Song for this post: "Wide Awake" ~ Katy Perry

Happy Monday!  I hope everyone is enjoying this outstanding heatwave! And by that I mean, it's still 60 degrees and raining here. Actually, it's 56.

Srsly. While the rest of the country melts in record-breaking temperatures, Seattle is still pluggin' along at <60 degrees. It's hardly even spring here, let alone summer. And it's July. I really enjoy a temperate climate so I'm not bothered. But I'm sure all the transplants I know here are likely losing it. It takes a certain kind of person to be okay with not getting Vitamin D naturally for more than a year. We're all just a little off.

I love Seattle. <3

I'm logged into G Chat pretty much 24 hours a day. If it's not on my PC, it's on my netbook, if it's not on my netbook, it's on my phone. I'm a communicator. This morning, my Sissy and I had a lovely conversation about eating chicken on Sunday (or something):

Click to enlarge
Multi-lingual, us.