Thursday, January 12, 2012

Who wants to go on a roller coaster?

Song for this post: "Skyscraper" Demi Lovato

This has been a particularly challenging week and I'm thankful it's nearly over.

Monday marked exactly one year since something horrible happened to me that turned my world upside down, effed up every single one of my personal relationships, and had my sanity and ability to emote on hiatus for the duration of 2011. It's been difficult getting through this week without thinking about it. I'm thankful that year has passed. Someday I'll talk about it. The problem is, when people say you should talk about it, they don't ACTUALLY want to hear it.  Things like that are hard to hear.

Tuesday I received an incredibly meaningful book in the mail from a family in my hometown. For reference, please see this post.  I am so grateful they sent me a book they published of their writings and stories to him and about him but admit that it's created a bit of an emotional storm for me.

Wednesday marks one year since something related to what Monday was all about happened.

And today is Thursday. And it's been...well, my personal life is not idyllic...let's just say that. I've spent a long stretch of time now emotionally shut off and, thanks to a situation I find myself in, I have a FLOOD of emotion coming out of me all at once. It's overwhelming, but it's honest. It's uncomfortable, but thank God that the bubble burst. I wish I could have expressed these feelings then. They were there, under the surface. But I can't apologize for being guarded in 2011. I won't. It's the only way I could survive what I was going through. Am I sorry for some of my behavior? Absolutely. I really hope I have the chance to fix it and prove that I'm not the type to bolt and run.

I hope Friday is full of laughter, smiles, and happiness. In more positive news, my beautiful twin nieces turned 3 on Wednesday. My sister did an amazing job of making it a fantastic birthday for them.  She is an outstanding mother.

This year I'm vowing to be more honest about what's in my head. I spent a lot of time bottled last year and refused to talk to anyone about what I was going through. After a total meltdown in December, I've realized that, even if you want to forget it, "it" will claw it's way out of you and make a big scene. So, I'm speaking honestly and tactfully now.  You may not like what you hear (or this post) but at least appreciate that I'm talking. Anyone who knows me well knows that doesn't happen very often. But I'm learning and I'm trying. So this is a big step forward.

So, this week is a stinker. I'm being reminded of some pretty heavy issues all at once and it's a bit difficult to interact without being a little manic, a little teary, and a lot emotional.

But, this week will pass. As will next. And soon, I'll be writing about how it's been two years...

It's not fair, really, that my years are marked with this kind of anniversary. But, as time continues to pass these emotions will be replaced with happier ones and, eventually, I'll be here...writing about how January marks the anniversary of something wonderful.

That's life, though, isn't it?

1 comment:

  1. I really do want to hear it, when you are ready. I know I have not been attentive enough in the past; absorbed in my own difficulties, but when you are ready, I am absolutely 100% all ears.