Friday, December 7, 2012

i am an emotional creature

Here’s what you will be told:

Find a man
Seek protection
The world is scary
Don’t go out
You are weak
Don’t care so much
They’re only animals
Don’t be so intense
Don’t cry so much
You can’t trust anyone
Don’t talk to strangers
People will take advantage of you
Close your legs
Girls aren’t good with:
Making difficult decisions
Lifting things
Putting things together
International news
Flying planes
Being in charge.
If he rapes you, surrender,
You will get killed trying to defend yourself
Don’t travel alone
You are nothing without a man
Don’t make the first move,
Wait for him to notice you
Don’t be too loud
Follow the crowd
Obey the laws
Don’t know too much
Tone it down
Find someone rich
It’s how you look that matters,
Not what you think.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Oh God I Can't Handle It!

It's just possibly the cutest thing I've ever seen, EVER.

^^Do you see him petting the kitty?!?!? Do you?!?! Gah! I can't handle it!!!

I know. Relax. Even though right now I'm telling myself, "I WANT A PET RACCOON!!!" I realize this is a totally unreasonable idea.

I mean...they could be house trainable.....


Oh! But that reminds me: I do have a pet raccoon. Sort of. I mean, it lives outside with the tailless squirrel who lives in my tree. Guillermo (that's the raccoon's name) scared the shit out of my best friend when she was housesitting for me. I guess she took my trash out for me (I know right?!?!? She's just lovely) and it reared up and charged at her.

Obviously NOT a raccoon I raised. If I had raised him, he would have had much better manners...Spanish Dignitary manners...Espanoles Dignitario.

"El Dignitario Espanol es muy educado!"

"Si! Estoy muy impresionado! Y un bailarĂ­n experto!

Just sayin'.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Why doesn't MTV play music videos anymore?

In this installment of "Ask A Network Head," Natalie asks the head of programming at MTV why they stopped playing music videos. And gets a fun answer! Yay!

In other news, there's a digital sign above the loading dock of the ferry I take to and from work every day. It says, "vessel loading" but, for some reason, I always see, "Fear & Loathing."

Things are consistently better and more interesting in my world.

And with that, another Alice in Wonderland reference:

Clearly I've surrounded myself with the right kind of people

Click screenshots to enlarge

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Seattle continues to be witty and irreverent

Saw this ad today in downtown Seattle on my way to my bank:

My city cracks me up. Way to maximize current affairs for advertising, Roku! 

In other news, I continue to adore the company I work for. Tonight we hosted a networking event up in Bothell with a certain member company that's doing cutting edge high-performance computing software. There was local beer, trivia, snacks, and a kick-ass photo booth that we took FULL advantage of.

I know. We look STUPIDLY happy. And we are. That's how much I love my job. These girls are the bee's.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Side effects may include...

Song for this post: "I Ain't Mad At Cha" ~ 2Pac

Aren't we all so glad the election is over? Aren't we all so glad I'm going to be blatantly irreverent again?

It's okay. Me too. Thanks for hangin' in there with me guys. It was tough. Hey! How about some awesome mid-week gangsta rap with some smooth-ass R&B mixed in?

Today I went to get my vaccinations for the upcoming trip to the Dominican Republic, which I like to call "Drunk on our faces in the lawn while our security guard fishes our pants out of the pool" trip.

Needles hurt! I mean, I knew this. But really. I didn't KNOW this. I got vaccinations for hepatitis A, hepatitis B, typhoid, tetanus, diphtheria, and pertussis, and a prescription for anti-malaria pills. So basically, I'm now bionic and potentially light up under black lights. I'm the life of the party.

Just a little while ago I was emailing a friend about it and preening about how my arms didn't hurt at all.

I guess that just makes me a great big liar.


On the up side, I look exceptionally Popeye-ish right now. Suuuuuuper buff.

So, I don't know if I ever told you guys this but I'm irrationally phobic about parasites. So bad, in fact, that I was able to dissect a pig in high school but not a worm. The worm was so disturbing to me I had to leave the room...and I cried. So disturbing that even typing the word now makes me want to vomit in my nose.

So clearly, I had to ask my doctor about the safeties of 3rd world countries and if she would just prescribe me a few rounds of charcoal pills now, you know, just in case.

There was a noticeable pause in the conversation and she just kind of looked at me blankly. I'm assuming it's because she was processing the genius of my forethought.

Immediately after that she said she was required to have me complete a survey on mental health because it's just something they do now with everyone, every visit.

I'm insisting assuming the two situations are mutually exclusive.

Lastly, I've seen posters in medical offices about proper methods of hand washing. But never have I seen one about hand RUBBING.

I feel like this should be given to teenage boys.

And this, because it's been a while...and I miss Weeds.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Listen to your elders, people.

Listen to your elders, people. They have a WEALTH of knowledge to share:

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Shackin' up

O but what about love? I forget love 
not that I am incapable of love 
it's just that I see love as odd as wearing shoes- 
I never wanted to marry a girl who was like my mother 
And Ingrid Bergman was always impossible 
And there maybe a girl now but she's already married 
And I don't like men and- 
but there's got to be somebody! 
Because what if I'm 60 years old and not married, 
all alone in furnished room with pee stains on my underwear 
and everybody else is married! All in the universe married but me!

Ah, yet well I know that were a woman possible as I am possible 
then marriage would be possible- 
Like SHE in her lonely alien gaud waiting her Egyptian lover 
so I wait-bereft of 2,000 years and the bath of life. 

~Taken from "Marriage" by Gregory Corso

Friday, November 2, 2012

Happiness needs to be elevated to pandemia.

Song for this post: "Enjoy Yourself (It's later than you think)" ~ Louis Prima

Are people getting meaner? Or am I just noticing it more? Maybe it's like when you buy a blue car and then realize how many blue cars are on the road. My awareness of cruelty in the world is becoming Nietzschien.

It seems like every single day I see something awful. Like the father who was screaming at his infant on the ferry the other day while it cried hopelessly. Or the woman who kicked her dog as they crossed the street. Or me, when I ignored that poor woman on the boardwalk when all she asked for was help to get food.

It all breaks my heart so much that I get literally, physically nauseous when I think about it all, like feeling the emotions I felt in those moments might make me sick, because our bodies weren't meant to house that kind of negativity.

Maybe I notice it more because I'm out of the city. Maybe I notice because my island is slowly connecting to land.

I just know that everything makes me feel this horrible sense of despair and injustice, like I might lose it if we all don't start doing the right thing right now.

I want to crawl up on a clock tower and declare that we're all going to be happy, goddamnit, even if you all hate it.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Thanks for coming to my Pinterest party!

Last weekend I went to Portland to visit my sister, nieces, and close friend. I haven't seen them in months.

After a great weekend of quality time with my sister we found ourselves (myself, sister, and friend) sprawled out on my sister's bed talking to each other while "pinning" feverishly on our phones.

We pinned so hard my sister fell asleep.

I don't know if it's that we've become old and "boring," if we've become girlier, or if Pinterest really is just the coolest thing ever. But something about three 30-something women falling asleep from Pinterest exhaustion is crackin' me up.

"Thanks for coming to my Pinterest party guys! It was super fun!"

Shameless plug: If you click on the Pinterest symbol to the right you can see my pin wish list. :)

Rape is just a "thing"

The fact that I share a state with this man is upsetting in and of itself.

Okay so, let's just clear one thing up really quickly:

Why are all of these middle-aged, overly-priveleged, out-of-touch, caucasian, male politicians weighing in on a woman's right to get an abortion after she's raped?

Why aren't they weighing in on educating men NOT TO RAPE?

I'm tired of being your scapegoat.

Read full article here.
Listen to full audio from John Koster here.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Today I failed.

Today on my way to the ferry terminal a homeless woman jumped in front of me quite suddenly and asked for assistance. Before I could really register what was going on, I told her I don't carry cash, which was the truth.

But it wasn't until after I said it that I realized she hadn't asked for money. She had asked me to help get her something to eat.

And it wasn't until I was past her that I realized she was crying.

And I didn't turn back.

I can't get her face out of my mind and I feel so, incredibly, terribly, and guiltily awful.

A crying homeless woman asked me for food and I kept moving.

What is wrong with me?!?!?!

Afterward I told myself I'd make it right. I'd do something tomorrow. I'd see her again. I'd see someone else. I'd get another chance to make the right choice.

But the thing is, that choice was in front of me at that moment. And I messed up. I chose the wrong thing.

Doing the right thing and helping the people around you isn't based on second chances. It's based on an unwavering moral compass.

I just wanna cry.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Malarkey, sleepovers, and pergatory via planning meetings

Sorry for being MIA for the last 2 weeks, guys. I'm still here. I've just been really busy with this new job which, BTW, is so fantastic I might pee a little from excitement. Even today when our budget planning meeting lasted 8 hours (and it's not done yet ugh...kill me now) I was still super happy to be there.

I. Love. It. There.

I've got the Lady's Quarterly Sleepover: Autumn Edition this weekend so I'll be sure to recap that debacle this coming week.

Also, did you guys catch the VP debate tonight?!?! I feel like, in a less civilized world, they would have thrown down. I gotta admit, watching those two grapple it out on camera would have been awesome. Biden would have growled and snarled and ripped off Ryan's pale, clammy arms and then beat his chest with them in victory.

At least, that's how I imagine it in my head...and we all know how bizarre it can get up in there.

If you missed the debate, watch it all below:

And please, for the love of kittens, unicorns, and gummy bears, get out and vote! Don't be that douche canoe who wants to tell us your opinion even though you didn't exercise your right to voice it when it mattered.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

You Can Help Save Baby Casen

This beautiful boy from Puyallup, WA is suffering from a disease that's so rare, only 14 people in the world have it. For him to have treatment, his family either has to move to Belgium or travel there monthly. Either way it will cost them hundreds of thousands of dollars to keep their baby alive.

I'm asking all of us to chip in and help this family save their baby. Help him have a chance at life.

Read more on the story and donate here: Save Baby Casen

Skip the story and donate directly here: Donate & Save A Life

You're suspect!

Song for this post: "El Paso" ~ Marty Robbins

Sorry for not being around as much lately...and for being so obnoxiously serious! I'm letting this election consume my thoughts. Sorry ya'll.

Yesterday was my last day with the start-up I was working for. I'm taking a little mini-break before I start my new position with a really exciting tech association.

What am I doing with this free time, you ask?

Well, so far I've watched 2 sappy mid-90s movies about really smart people, caught up on laundry, pined over kittens, and requested feedback on how early is too early for putting up my Christmas tree. Really you guys. I think the end of September is fine! That'll give me a solid 4 months of Christmas in the house! I could just put Halloween decorations on the tree...

I'm still doing Friday Staff Meeting tomorrow. I'm actually taking a ferry to the mainland just for the sole purpose of having lunch and a beer with my now ex coworkers.

That's dedication to the team, right there.

There are things I want to tell you about our trip to Chicago (got back last week) but, honestly, I just can't. It was easily the funniest, most memorable work trip ever that resulted in 2 moments I will never forget and CAN NOT think about without laughing.

After struggling with it for a week, I decided it was best not to post about it. Kind of disparaging. But fuckin' hilarious. Just know that.

We set some records. That's for sure.

All day I've had that song that goes "Out in the west in the town of El Paso, I fell in love with a Mexican girl..." stuck in my head. Except my brain keeps saying "...I fell in love with a Mexican boy."

Support marriage equality. Marty Robbins inside my brain does. So should you.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Who Am I Voting For?

Song for this post: "Heart Like Mine" ~ Miranda Lambert

Put your political hat on guys, we're gonna get fancy.

This post is an extension of this post.

This morning a statement about universal healthcare was posted on Facebook by someone I've known my whole life. And while she and I were never close as children, I've grown to respect her and care about her as an adult. I've watched her go through some tough life changes and she's come out of it shining. We differ GREATLY in our political beliefs. It's both of our foundations in Christianity  that seems to be our common thread.

I couldn't have disagreed with her more this morning. And that's okay. Democracy allows for that. Coincidentally, so does my heart.

This election seems to have polarized our country, as many elections do. I feel like this one, in particular has created a bit more contronymity because our two presidential candidates, while both wanting our country to flourish, have absolute opposite road maps on how to get there. Similarly, some of the political topics of this generation hit close to home and are very, very emotional. Because of this polarization, many are quick to anger, quick to judge, and quick to discard valuable friendships.

Just like many of you, my initial, knee-jerk reaction this morning was anger. Anger at what I saw as selfishness. "I don't want to pay for other people's healthcare." To me that's basically saying, "I like my money more than your life." When you boil it down to the root, that's true and there's no arguing it. Given, there was a part of her position that had to do with being forced to pay for healthcare. But I'm sure she doesn't have a problem with us forcing people to pay for auto insurance, or wear seat belts. It's for the safety of their lives and for the safety of those around them. We are a selfish species, by nature. All of us. So selfish, in fact, that it takes a government mandate to make us help each other out. And it makes me feel guilty and sad and, well, angry.

As someone who has a foundation in Christianity I see very clearly that it's our moral responsibility (although, I like to use the word "privelege" or "pleasure" or "fuck ya I'd love to!") to "love our neighbor as we love ourselves." Let me be clear here, though. I don't think you have to be a Christian to understand morality. I just happened to have had it shoved down my throat every day so it's hard to forget. If I want to be able to go to the dentist to get a painful tooth fixed, I MUST help my neighbor do the same. My money is NOT more important than your quality of life and your health.

I do well. I have a nice house, a good car, I'm going on an international trip with friends later this year just for fun. She has a pretty cushy life too, my friend on Facebook this morning. I used to think many issues didn't apply to me because, quite simply, they didn't. I've worked hard to get where I'm at. I didn't care about universal healthcare because I have a great job and great benefits. It didn't apply to me. I didn't care about marriage equality, because I'm not same sex oriented. It didn't apply to me. I didn't care about a woman's right to choose, because I would never get an abortion. Plainly, I was out of touch. This should be a familiar phrase to you at this point of the current election. It's attached to a certain republican presidential candidate.

All that has changed. It's changed because I love someone very much who's husband bailed and now she has beautiful babies to take care of as a single mother. She needs universal healthcare. It's changed because I love someone who is deeply in love with someone of the same gender and it's not fair to tell them they can't get married when I can. It's changed because, when I think about a man telling me what I can and cannot do with my body, whether or not I choose to get an abortion (which is so NOT the issue) I'm enraged. I have a brain. I have a heart. I have a right to decide what I do with my body and the cells within it.

It was difficult to talk about universal healthcare with her this morning. But I love her and I respect that she has beliefs, even though they may differ from mine. She's not wrong. She's just wrong for me. But she's right for her. And here's my point in all this:

I'm not voting for me. I'm voting for you. I'm voting for my neighbors, who deserve to have the same quality of life that I have. Sometimes shit happens that makes that really tough. That person close to me didn't ask for her husband to leave. She didn't ask to be in a terrible car accident that makes it tough to work. She didn't ask to have one shit storm after another make her path so So SO difficult. There are no guarantees in life. It's not her fault. She DESERVES a chance. And sometimes that chance takes all of us pitching in and helping out. 

THAT'S what I'm voting for. Her chance.

Sometimes voting for you means my vote may differ from my own personal beliefs. Sometimes it SHOULD. It should because, as a loving people, we have to put ourselves aside to do what's best for others. It's not about me. It's about us.

So am I willing to pay more taxes so her family can have healthcare without worry and stress and more financial burden than they are already struggling with?

Fuck yes.

My money is NOT more important to me than their health.

Stop voting for you. Vote for someone else.

Monday, September 24, 2012

When did anorexic become dazzling?

Song for this post: "Pocketbook" ~ Jennifer Hudson feat. Ludacris

This morning I caught up on the 64th Annual Emmy Awards. It was a good show and, for all the things I could talk about (the opening sequence, Tracy Morgan, Claire Danes...) there's really only one thing that sticks out in my mind as topic-worthy:

What the F#%$ happened to Kerry Washington?!?  All of the news coverage said she "dazzled." They said she was "glamorous," that she "shined" in gold.

Um. When did third-world-country-thin become glamorous?

This is not glamorous:

It's scary.

...and it sets a dangerous precedence about how women should look.

Let's face it. She's loaded and very easily has the resources at her fingertips for healthy meals, time management, childcare, weight training and just about anything else you can think of that would offer the leisurely lifestyle that leaves little excuse to be under-eating.

Don't get me wrong. Some women are naturally very thin. And that's great. I'm not saying you're not a "real woman" if you're thin. I'm just saying that THIS woman has lost a drastic amount of weight when she's been quite muscular her whole life. To say that being that unnaturally thin is "dazzling" is concerning.

Here's what she looked like for many many years:

You can see her in the Emmy's at the 96:36 mark at this link.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Bang Bang

Song for this post: "Bang Bang" ~ Nancy Sinatra

So, a few seasons back in SYTYCD there was this male ballerina named Alex Wong. He was an INCREDIBLE dancer and probably would have won it if he hadn't have had to drop out of the competition early because the dance company he was signed with wouldn't let him out of contract.

This season, there's a girl named Eliana who also happens to be classically trained. Anyway, Alex came back for a guest appearance and the two of them were paired up. And. It. Was. Incredible.

Here's what made me fall in love with Alex Wong:

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

My neighborhood church has priorities

Song for this post: "The Impression That I Get" ~ The Mighty Might Boss Tones

Yesterday, on my way back from the pharmacy, I passed this church in the town I live in. This is about a half mile from my house.

Click to enlarge
For those of you who can't read it, it says:


I don't know about you, but I'm thrilled to see a church showing documentaries on sex and money.

I bet a lot of people are going to show up!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Support Marriage Equality

Song for this post: "Macklemore & Ryan Lewis – Same Love (feat. Mary Lambert)"

So, I'm in love with Ben Haggerty or, as you might know him, Macklemore. He's the Kick. Ass. rapper from Seattle. You might remember him from this post.

Anyway, he put out a song a while back called "Same Love" and donated all proceeds to The Marriage Equality Campaign.

 As anyone who knows me can tell you, I am absolutely PRO marriage equality for too many reasons to list here. In my very humble opinion, if you're not, it's because you don't know what you're talking about...or you're just blatantly into bigotry...or you're afraid. It HAS to be one of those 3 reasons, because no one has been able to give a reason that doesn't boil down to one of those yet. EVER. The most common one we all hear is, "I believe marriage is between a man and a woman...because I'm a Christian." That's great! I'm happy for you! What the fuck does Christianity have to do with governmental policy?


Good. Glad you're with me.

Here's the thing: You can't support your own agenda for rights by denying the rights of others. It's an incomplete argument. Seriously. I'll explain why.

Look how easy this is:

Thesis: Gay Rights Should Be Legal
Major Premise: Humans should have the right to marry who they choose.
Minor Premise: Some humans are gay.
Supporting Statement 1: All men are created equal. Source.
Statement  2 : The Declaration of Independence says the legislature "shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion." Source.

Statement  3: Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of gender. Source.
If all men are created equal and some men are gay, and if our body of government cannot make laws respecting specific religions, and MUST adhere to equality amongst genders, than it stands to reason that men shall not be denied the right to marry on account of gender, regardless of religion.

See that highlighted part? That's the part non-supporters are conveniently skipping over in their argument.

Now you try:

Maybe you could do one on the in-congruent argument that sex is made for procreation and that's why gay people shouldn't marry. Because, in America, we ONLY EVER have sex when we're trying to further our species.

Or maybe you could write about how humans are purely heterosexual, just like all mammals, and our laws shouldn't make exceptions for genetic mutations. You know...because humans, as the most intelligent, most successful species on the planet hasn't EVER evolved or matured or adapted to their environment. Ever. Oh...neither has just about every other mammalian species on the planet from fruit flies to sheep to whales.

Or you could make one about how homosexuality is a choice and preferences shouldn't be made exceptions of in law. Because, we all KNOW that we NEVER make exceptions for preference in all those tax breaks for people who's preference is to have children, or acceptance for anyone's preference to practice the religion of their choice.

Writing is fun!

Oh also, this.

 Anyway, "Same Love" is rad, as is Macklemore.

Friday, September 7, 2012


Yep. Crying.

Mia Michaels is consistently one of the most INCREDIBLE choreographers I've ever seen.

If you need a reference, this.

Presidential Candidates & Batman

Sometimes visual aids help...

Click to enlarge

Yes. I made this. You're welcome.

I'm TOTALLY related to the white house.

Song for this post: "September" ~ Earth, Wind, & Fire

OMG you guys I just really wanted to share this picture with you. You know, just a little bit more about me...

The other day my family and I went on this awesome picnic together and then got this great, totally unexpected, shot of all of us laughing and hugging. You know, like families do.

So then, Uncle Joe was all, "When I was a little boy..." and started tellin' one of his stories. He likes to tell stories. And Malia was all, "Aren't you like, really hot in that suit, Dad? It's like 100 degrees out here." And then we all laughed about how my mom, Michelle, has Madonna arms and dared her to pick both the girls up at the same time.

That woman is tough as nails.

Do you have any idea how many photos I had to splice together to come up with this? 
And it STILL looks all wonky. :/


Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Bella Hearts Cake

This is possibly one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Ever.

Thank you, Bad Lip Reading people, for finding something redeeming in a franchise I've struggled to tolerate.

An Open Letter to Michelle Obama

Dear Michelle,

I love you. You're fantastic. And your husband is the shit.

Thanks for bein' you,

An Average American

Full transcript of speech here.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

No Means No - via The Daily Grace


If you haven't heard of this girl's You Tube Channel, know about it.

So. Funny.

Monday, September 3, 2012

I Love You So Much, Lori. RIP.

Song for this post: "Angel Standing By" ~ Jewel

9 years ago today the most amazing woman I've ever known passed through this world: My foster mother, Lori.

Her presence in my life is something I will always be grateful for. Who she was will continue to be an example to me of the type of woman I want to be. And the love she showed me is something that will live inside me for the rest of my life. 

In the seventh grade a new student came to our school. She was bubbly and funny and smart and independent. I met her in gym the locker rooms. My friend Kristina introduced us. And that was it. We were inseparable.  Coryn and I spent just about every waking minute together for the next 5 years. If one of us tried out for a sport, we both did. If one of us was in choir, the other was too. Cheerleading, pageantry, advanced classes, you name it. Coryn was better at math than I was and I was better at English so we couldn't do EVERYTHING together. But it was pretty close. We were so attached that I once spent 23 solid days at her house on summer break.

20 years later she's still my best friend and that will never change.

Her parents had moved her and her brother to our hometown when her dad retired from the military. Her father had been with the US Army for 30 years before receiving a Calling to lead a church. Her mother  worked for the NSA and had her Doctorate in Political Science. I tried reading her dissertation once. I made it 2 pages before I realized I had no idea what I was reading. Lori was outrageously intelligent. She was also the kindest woman I've ever met. She had a heart so full of love you'd think she might burst at any moment. But she was also silly and stoic and thoughtful.

A year or two after I met Coryn, my family went through some major changes. Things got unpleasant and it became a less than ideal situation for a child to be in. Things came to an apex one evening and Coryn came to pick me up. I had only intended on staying for the night. Then her parents asked me to stay a few days.

After a few days, they asked me to stay a few weeks.

After a few weeks, they said they wanted me to stay indefinitely.

Lori and Bill became my guardians. They also became a foundation of family and stability that I desperately needed at that time in my life. Lori became my template. She became someone I wanted to be like. Loving, honest, genuine, dedicated. These were all things I didn't understand at that age.  My own family was struggling with a lot of dysfunction and had pretty much fallen apart. I coped with that with a lot of dishonesty and selfishness. Lori was the light through all of that darkness. She taught me integrity and love and faith and the value of family. 

Lori loved to quilt. They lived in this big old farm house and they'd converted one of the upstairs bedrooms into a crafting room for her. I'd sit up there and help her iron and stitch squares. She taught me how to sew. 

They bought me my first bible. Bill had my name engraved on it and picked out my first baptism cross to go with it. Bill was the one who baptized me in our church. Lori was the one who wrapped me in a towel afterward and hugged me.

There aren't words to describe the gratitude and overwhelming love I feel toward them both. I love my family very much and, thankfully, we've all reconciled over the years. But Lori holds this special place in my heart. She represents a shift in my trajectory. She's an angel who came and pulled me out of a very dark place.

She had been struggling with cancer when I lived with them. She eventually passed a number of years later. I can't think about it even today without tearing up. She was a gift to this world and there is none who will ever compare. She changed my life.

Lori died at 49.

I love you.

I miss you.

And you are the most special person I've ever had the privilege to know. 

Friday, August 31, 2012

Vote Betty White for VP! has been transferred to
Please update your RSS feed.

You're Welcome.

This goes along with what I said earlier about Chuck Norris being President and Betty White being his Joe Biden (only way cooler, obviously). As long as she's in there somewhere I'm happy.


Okay. I get that Chuck Norris is like, suuuuuper conservative. But, in my world, he's super rad and liberal and awesome and loves Betty White and they make America awesome together and make-out on the White House lawn like teenagers. See, my world is primarily fiction (much like the contents of this blog).

Thursday, August 30, 2012

It's not all hooded death marches and finger pointing!

Song for this post: "Give Your Heart A Break" ~ Demi Lovato

Okay you guys. I know I've been super serious and political lately and I'm sorry.

Let's brighten things up!

The other day I went outside to trim my hedges (I know right?!?!? I'm so independent!), got half way through the first bush and everything just shut off. I couldn't get the darn thing to turn back on for the life of me.

So I bought a new hedge trimmer.

Last night I went outside to trim my hedges (I know right?!?!? I'm so independent!) and the darn thing wouldn't turn on.

Turns out, it's the extension cord. So now I have two hedge trimmers and no extension cord.


Sometimes I warm up to the idea of having a man around.

Also, this is my very favorite thing of the week:

Other favorite things this week?

and this. Don't judge. You like it too. You're just too embarrassed to admit it in public.

Also, The Triple Door. New favorite place. How had I not been there yet?!?!?! Really, touristy tourists. If you're in Seattle, go to The Triple Door. A cute person took me there last week to see a feminist, liberal, comedy show and eat tasty Thai foods.

Super. Win.

Also, hey. I just skimmed back over this and realized it TTLY sounds like I dig chicks!



2 hedge trimmers
1 2 industrial extension cords.

Hey so, now that I've had my foray into DIY garden care I can share a tip with you: When you're working with electric tools like lawn mowers, leaf blowers, and chain saws (any outdoor tool that plugs into a power outlet via an industrial extension cord and has sharp parts like blades) make sure you keep the cord clear of the blade.

Super important.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

An open letter to Ann Romney

Oh Ann...

You really had America wrapped around your finger last night. You were cheerful, determined, reticent, charming... You knew exactly when to make us laugh and exactly when to make us agree with you.

You see, I wanted to believe you. I wanted to believe you when you said women are what holds this country together. I wanted to believe you when you told us you wanted to help the single, working mothers who want to work just a little bit less so they can spend time with their children. I believed you when you explained to us that your's and Mitt's marriage is a "real" one full of complex issues; just like any other American family. But then you made a dire misstep: You told us to trust your husband.

Ann, I'm sorry. I just can't believe you.

If you really do believe that women are what holds this country together then why would you ask me to trust a man who wants to take away our basic right to be in charge of our bodies? Why would you tell me to trust a man who doesn't believe in offering no-charge basic contraception to women (thus raising the already exorbitant social services and healthcare debt our country is already suffering from)? Why, Ann, would you tell me to trust a man who said he wants to "get rid of" Planned Parenthood, an organization who's low and no cost healthcare services are 97% women's health and preventative services and only 3% abortion procedures (and, coincidentally, government funding is NOT used for that 3%)? Are you being serious when you ask me to trust a man who would cut social services in every way possible, and, by extension, remove the safety net single mothers all over the country rely on to feed their babies and keep a roof over their heads?

How on earth do any of his positions on women's rights support your idea that women are what keep this country together? Perhaps what you meant to say, and forgive my loose translation, is that, even though women are what keep this country together, your husband would treat them as second class citizens, deny them basic rights, disenfranchise them, and then expect them to find some magical way of rearing children and find their own success with magical resources that would just pop up in front of them in the form of unicorns on rainbows.

If that is, in fact, what you meant, then please, allow me to make some parallels in the hope of awakening you:

  • Poor, homeless boys, and children who were supporting destitute families are responsible for providing news to New England at the turn of the century but had very few rights and were horribly underpaid and overworked. They were what kept the news together.
  • Black slaves were abused, tortured, sold into slavery, and worked to death to line the pockets of rich southerners for centuries. They are what kept the south and agricultural economy together.
  • Children were used in sweat shops up until work was unionized (Thank you Teddy) and are what kept the industrial revolution together.

None of these things are moral. And yet, you seem to not have a problem allowing your own gender to suffer similar inequalities at the hands of the man you married.

You see, Ann, here's the problem:

When privileged, wealthy, white people like yourself (and your husband) look at the world around you, you have NO FUCKING IDEA what the average American goes through every day. Just like Tobacco tycoons had NO FUCKING IDEA what their slaves went through every day. It's a selfish, self serving view of the world that damages your ability to empathize with those around you on a human, realistic level. Yours is a skewed view of reality based on your cozy, picturesque, suburban life in Utah. You are not a real person. You, my dear, are what valiumized housewives pretended to be in public so many decades ago.

Ann, I'm sorry. I wanted to be on board. I wanted to believe you. But ma'am, if you think for one second I'm dumb enough to turn my back on my gender and every human being's right to basic civil equality, then you're crazier than I thought you were.


A Human Being

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Todd Akin Endorses Adult Breast Feeding!

Song for this post: "Naked Love" ~ Adam Lambert

Oh man. Just when I thought Missouri US Senate Candidate Todd Akin couldn't get any more assinine...he turns around and TOTALLY proves me wrong.

Turns out, Mr. Akin is a genuine polymath; redefining rape, curing homosexuality...

Well done, Mr. Akin. Well done.

According to Akin:

"female breastmilk - when fed directly to an adult homosexual male daily for at least four weeks - has a 94% chance of permanently curing homosexual perversions."

But he doesn't stop there. How does this feeding of breast milk happen, you ask?

‎"Just 4 weeks of live breastfeeding can cure them of their terrible suffering." 

Yes, Mr. Akin. The "perversion" of homosexuality can be easily cured by the totally acceptable, social norm of adult males breast feeding on women. Nothin' kinky about that. Nope. Not at all.

...Someone CLEARLY has mommy issues. Just sayin'.

Addendum: I'm not finding many news articles to support Akin's statement, so no guarantees it's true. But it's still really effing entertaining. If anyone can legitimize this news source (like, you know, Akin did with rape) let me know.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

I'm Going to Marry Glitch.

So, Cyrus...

If you're down to get married I'm free next weekend.

I'm just sayin'...

Friday, August 24, 2012

Urgent & Important Message

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you an urgent message regarding the future of this nation:

[via The Riot
Despite having zero percent support from black people, and support from significantly less than half of women voters, Mitt Romney could win this thing
This absolutely cannot happen. If you live in a swing state especially, please vote!
I am seriously frightened of Romney winning. YOU SHOULD BE, TOO
Yo Ohio, we’re important. Don’t forget to register and vote!
Seriously Ohio. Fucking VOTE. 
[And if you’re in a city that leans liberal, remember that all that farmland that makes up so much of our state leans Republican. Don’t be complacent because you see Obama stickers every 2 feet.]

I've seen a lot of people on Facebook saying things like, "If you're going to vote for Romney I'm de-friending you." This election year, in particular, is creating some major and very real divides in families and friends. Hot social topics have come front and center because of the polarization of the candidates' positions. Some of my own friends have taken it to extremes.

But you know what? Destroying a relationship with someone based on your political views as a liberal (or, what I like to call it, "a human being") is just as bad as being a staunch conservative and hating people who don't believe in your God. Both sides of that coin are being polished with hate and anger.

The base principle to remember in ANY election is that we live in a country that was founded on the principles of freedom of thought and speech. One of the things I love the most about the people around me is how diverse we all are. I love hearing your positions that differ from mine and I'm certainly not going to persecute you for being different from me. That kind of behavior is a slippery slide into "pot & kettle" territory.

So let's stop with the whole "I hate you if you like Romney" thing and try to be the kind of people who educate, love, and help those who don't understand get an idea of why Romney politics are so harmful.

Do your part for our team by VOTING and USING YOUR VOICE.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

We're writing a book. We've written a book.

Well folks, it's time.

I'm sending the manuscript in to agents for publishing.

Wish us luck. Hopefully you'll be reading the 1st book in our 7 book series in the next year.

::crosses fingers::

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Nice Sexism, Hollywood. Thumbs Up.

Song for this post: "Want You Back" ~ Cher Lloyd

(via Hannah Horvath)
Kristen Stewart Dropped from ‘Snow White’ Sequel Plans (Exclusive) 
Okay, so Kristen Stewart cheats on her boyfriend, who she is not married to, not engaged to, has no real legal bond to, and her career suffers. This is not the first movie she has been rumored to be dropped from. (I think it might be the third) People have talked about how this might hurt Breaking Dawn. How people will harass her at premieres or public appearances. Pretty much, the cheating scandal has made her such a liability that it might be a really long time before producers are willing to cast her in anything. 
Meanwhile, Chris Brown physically assaults his girlfriend. There are pictures of what he did to Rihanna. There is a detailed police report saying exactly what he did. And has his career suffered at all? His most recent albums have only gotten more and more popular, he won a Grammy, he was invited to perform at the Grammys, and he still has a huge fan base, mostly female, disturbingly enough. 
Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen physically assaults his wife, again, with detailed police reports. He makes anti-Semetic remarks about his boss. He goes on a bender that is captured by every major news outlet. And it’s all a joke. He trademarks all the crazy shit he says and makes money off the merchandise. He not only gets a new TV show, but it is the highest rated show on FX. 
A+ sexism there, Hollywood.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Squid, pregnancy, and eating out

Song for this post: "Motivation" ~ Kelly Rowland

So, this morning I made the mistake of reading the news. I'm never eating seafood again...

Woman Gets "Pregnant in the Mouth" 
After Eating Squid

Click for full article

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Tennessee = Darlin' I don't know what you're talkin' about but you sure look pretty.

Song for this post: "Tennessee" ~ The Wreckers not ironically, off their album "Stand Still, Look Pretty"

So, here's the deal ya'll:

I made it back from Tennessee without any criminal charges. I know. I want to pat myself on the back too. I think what probably saved me from being stuck in that awful ring of hell were 3 things:

  1. I was barely ever allowed to leave the resort
  2. The one time I did I was with Bianca, who had the presence of mind to get me out of the taxi before the racist taxi driver I was reprimanding kicked us out
  3. There were more than 2,900 rooms in our it would have been difficult for the fuzz to find me

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

I can see your...

Song for this post: "Modern Day Sinners" ~ The Brothers Comatose

Ladies, someone needs to tell you this; so it may as well be me:

When you're walkin' in front of me on the street and doing that peacock strut we all do when we think we're lookin' really sexy, just know this:

I'm looking at your panties...or lack thereof...or your crack.



Sunday, August 5, 2012

NASA rover Curiosity lands on Mars

Watch NASA's rover Curiosity land on Mars LIVE in about 10 minutes

Don't miss this guys. It's history in the making.

Friday, August 3, 2012

This guy needs a hug.

Song for this post: "Say Hello To Heaven" ~ Temple of the Dog

Often times, when people get into political or religious debates, I check out. Unless, of course, it's here and it's not a's just me talking.

So I couldn't help but chime in on a thread on Facebook this morning...and then share it here because, as always, my Sissy and I contributed to the whole thing dissolving into our own entertainment.

Disclaimer: I withhold any opinion on the subject matter and will offer no comment on my personal position. I just like to laugh.

2nd disclaimer: I've taken the broad liberty of replacing all profanities.

Clicky Clicky

Friday, July 27, 2012

You're a D@&!#bag

Does this work for ANYONE?!? Seriously?!?!

Click to enlarge all.

His opening line in his message to me is, "You'd look good on my arm." Um. No thanks. But I figured it was worth reading more, for entertainment value...

...more after the jump.

Beer, Tauntauns, and the Huxtables.

OMG you guys. You know what's inside of this? A person. That's right. It's the Best. Costume. Ever. I NEED this. Thank you Jenny Lawson, for continuously enlightening me and making my world a better, more interesting, and more creative place that lacks any sense of limits or boundaries. You are one of my favorite people EVER.

Also, did you guys see Stephen Colbert weigh in on the Chick-Fil-A fiasco?

Um, lemmeseewhathappenedthisweek...

Friday, July 20, 2012

Why am I so weird? Why are we all so weird?

No song for this post.

I want to talk a bit about human relationships today. Sorry guys, but it's not very funny.

Recently, someone asked a friend of mine why they hang out with me...because they thought I was weird. This affected me a little more than I let on. Being "weird" has always been a point of hurt for me. It started when I was little and, even at 30, I've never quite gotten over it. Do I appreciate that I'm not some drone? Yes! But that doesn't mean that having it pointed out by a practical stranger that I'm not the most normal person on the planet isn't hurtful.

This comment was also well timed with some issues going on in my personal life and it all got me thinkin' a great deal about my situation. If I'm one thing, it's that I'm hyper self-aware.

Everyone has pet peeves. One of mine is people who name call and judge without having the vaguest idea of the situation.  The other is when people chew with their mouths open. So let me clear it up for you:

Why am I weird?

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Nerd. Love.

Song for this post: "Love to Love You Baby" ~ Donna Summer

I've just hit a new level of my love for nerds. Is it bad that this actually makes me swoon?

Srsly. Someone do this and send me video or pictures (of the tech stuff, not the sexy time...of course).

Also, I was thinking about themed parties tonight (I LOVE throwing shindigs) and had a thought that we should ttly have a YAY HEALTHCARE party! We can have all the glasses be empty tylenol bottles (the big Costco ones) and make togas out of hospital gowns. Spodies can be put in IV bags. FUN!

Say yes to fun and creativity. Even the ancient Romans got drunk and wrote on "bathroom stalls:"

FYI: I want this plush doll.

Lastly, OMG you guys. I got my county ballot in the mail today.  Maybe it makes me the most boring person on the planet but I always get REALLY excited about voting. I'm using my voice! I'm chiming in! I'm doin' mah due diligence yo! I'm a member of this county! FUCK YA YA'LL! WHAT NOW?!?!?

::chest pump::

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Are you peeing into a cocktail glass?!?

Song for this post: "Tearjerker" Red Hot Chili Peppers"

If you're in the Seattle area, get your ass to Pike Market tomorrow by 1:45. It'll be a madhouse, but Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis will be there making coffee and promoting their new film.


In other news: Are you a sports fan? Love live events? Hate that you can't bring your own liquor?  Now your problems are solved!

It's kinda gross, but so smart. Thanks, bored jocks, for thinkin' this stuff up.

Okay, so I still have disposable cameras from the 8th grade I never developed. No joke. From before digital cameras were created and dinosaurs roamed the earth. Fortunately, some dude just came out with a little device that scans negatives into your iPhone.

wha Wha WHAT?!? That is SO genius!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Star Crossed Lovers

There's only one piece from this week's episode of So You Think You Can Dance that I need to talk about and it's this:

Bawling. My. Eyes. Out.

Such a beautiful piece of choreography telling such a beautiful story.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

The early fish catches the....

Song for this post: "River of Deceit" ~ Mad Season

Hey, remember that post I wrote about grammar and the proper use of an Oxford comma?  Well, this is my favorite image of the day:

I'm kind of swamped with deadlines right now and mentally preoccupied by the fact that  MY SISSY IS COMING TO VISIT TOMORROW. As a result, I lack the brain capacity to be very interesting.

So, instead, here's a bunch of shit I heard, read, or saw this week: