Friday, June 29, 2012

Defense Attorneys are reeeeally ZOMBIES!!! RAWR!!!

Song for this post: "Zombie Apocalypse" ~ Vaski

OMG So we FINALLY had a Friday staff meeting! I mean, they have. But I haven't been able to go for a while. 

I already forgot most of it because I drank wine (shocker!) but there are a few memorable things worth pointing out:
  1. I. Hate. Tourists. Srsly you guys. They suck. They walk slow; they stop in the middle of the street; they take pictures of stupid shit like pre-chewed gum stuck to alleyways; they drive Segways. I hate them. So it was cathartic (in a bad way) when we left the bar and got held up by tourists taking pictures of the gum wall ON Segways. Really?!?! Do you realize what you've become?!?! Here's what you've become.
  2. We all know about my rule that I don't date attorneys anymore. So thank God for that. But I never put two and two together that Dahmer was an attorney. I mean, you'd really have to be a sociopath to eat someone's face. And you'd really have to be a sociopath to be a defense attorney. So, in basic mathematics it stands to reason:

Oh and, for once in my life, I got to educate someone on the proper use of a semicolon*. It used to be my Sissy educating me. Now it's me, educating coworkers.

Don't eff with the semicolon, people. A-holes like me (and there's lots of us) will judge you harshly for it.

*See item 1 in bulleted list for proper use.

Lastly, in hunting for a song for this post, I stumbled on this and I love her. Thank you Spotify!

And THIS is hilarious! I love Patton Oswalt.


Conversation with my Sissy about this post:

You'd better get rid of that apostrophe in "attorney's" or I'm not gonna finish reading the post.
Okay, that's a lie. I already finished it.
But do it, frlz:P

Okay fuck. I'm tipsy. Doin' it now. 

Americans LOVE aliens.

Song for this post: "Bangorang" ~ Skrillex

Happy Friday!

I didn't sleep last night and I've had about 4 cups of coffee and the WORLD IS MY OYSTER! :D

I'm not sure if I mentioned this earlier but I've never vacationed outside the US. So I made the decision that, for my birthday this year, I'm going somewhere ridiculous. Since my birthday just so happens to be days before Thanksgiving, I can use holiday time and the 2 weekends and take almost 2 weeks off while still only using 3 days of vacation time. So, I'm going to The Dominican Republic.

But it gets better!

Thursday, June 28, 2012

OBAMAcare: WTH does it mean anyway?!?

Song for this post: "My Brain Is Hanging Upside Down" ~ The Ramones

Okay. So the new universal healthcare bill passed. Laws can be pretty confusing so I'm sure that, like me, you might be having a little trouble wrapping your head around the whole thing.

Fortunately, Reddit blogger Captain Pixy Stick broke it down for us like we're five. Thanks, Mister!

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The Lochness Monster is REAL!

Song for this post: "Warning" ~ Incubus

I feel like this woman knows my soul:

“My relationship with writing today is neither glamorous nor exciting. We will not get each other into fancy places; we will not make anyone rich. We have fallen instead into a pattern much closer to the comfortable grooves of love: two homebodies shuffling around the same desk, battling frustration and disappointment, witnessing failure and choosing, against all odds, to stay.”

Corinne Purtill in her piece on salon, “My book was a bad idea.” 

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Babies for dinner?!?

So while the rest of the world lived a normal life of summer BBQs and Seattle Pride, I spent my day on the couch with Nick...attempting to watch a marathon of Game of Thrones. Basically, I've been sitting on the couch for 16 hours (with intermittent trips to the bar and grill for drinks and sustenance or, in Nick's world, sausage...and Nick does love a sausage). Too bad my TV disagreed. Halfway through my Google TV bitched out on us. FYI: don't buy a Google TV. Sorry Google. I'm on board...but I hate your TV.

So instead, here's this:

And everything is better when you add the word, "fuck" to it:

And on that note, I'm sure you've heard of Slipsum but it's TOTALLY worth mentioning again. Are you a designer? A content writer? A student? Do you find yourself needing to use Lorem Ipsum placeholder text? Samuel L. Jackson can help you with that:

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Bremerton hates old people

Song for this post: "Fine Tune" ~ Miranda Lambert

Quick update in pictures:

New favorite caffeinated beverage. First person (besides Nick) to tell me what it is gets a prize IRL.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Home is where the heart is...and the liquor...and the hilarity.

Song for this post: "Just to be with You" ~ Mr. Big

So I went home to my hometown this weekend to see family on Father's Day.  Brought a few things back with me:
My gorgeous Sissy, Dia. 

Friday, June 15, 2012

1 girl + 25 men = late night television?

Song for this post: "Workin' 9 to 5" ~ Dolly Parton

So last night I stayed up WAY too late in bed doing something no one should probably ever do.

I watched multiple episodes of The Bachelorette.

I know. I know. But hear me out:

I don't like romantic comedies. I don't really do reality TV, and I'm not typically a fan of Media Corp. capitalizing on the sanctity of love.

But Dolly Parton was on the show. Dolly. Parton. I don't care who you are or where you come from or what you like. That woman is a legend. Also, I'm pretty sure she's bionic.

It's equally as important that the contestant from Seattle is hot as fire.

Seriously Doug. If that gig doesn't work out, I will tooooootally be your new stalker girlfriend.

I know, right?!!? That bionic link is the CREEPIEST. THING. EVER.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Damn Gina! You Stupid Fly!

Song for this post: "Love Stoned" ~ Justin Timberlake

2 words for this week's So You Think You Can Dance recap:

Witney. Carson.
American Fork, UT

Okay okay. So there are some other dancers I thought were pretty rad:

Holy wow this tiny little blonde girl is KRUMPING!!!
Mariah Spears
Phoenix, AZ

And can I please marry this man?
Dareian Kajawa
Boulder City, NV

Lastly, my amazing cousin, who I am so So SO proud of, just got engaged. I could not be happier for him and his beautiful fiance'. Congratulations you two. You're both such outstanding people. <3

Monday, June 11, 2012

My depression is effing hilarious

Song for this post: "I Hope You Dance"  Leann Womack

Gah. I'm overposting. I know it means my readership will suffer (Go ahead. Try to defy this post saturation!) but I just keep running into little gems of internet gold.

I went to lunch with my friend Nick today. You know, Nick. The one at left (see conversation) and top (see The Beardening) and in like, every other post. That Nick.

Anyway, we went to Dim Sum and he reminded me of a blog he told me about this last Saturday night when I had too much red wine in my system to remember my own name:

Hyperbole & A Half

Go follow it. Now.

I just read this post on there about depression. TONS of people struggle with depression (The Bloggess, for one). TONS of people struggle with bipolar disorder (Me, for one). Given, I've been stable and happy as a clam for years so saying I "struggle" with it isn't really true. But that wasn't without a shitton of effort, self-awareness and stubborn determination.

So there's this post. It's about being sad. When I started reading it I felt that little pit in my stomach that was telling me, "I can identify with that. I hate that feeling." And so I thought the post was going to be super poignant. And it was. But it was also hilarious. Effing hilarious. And then I felt a little guilty because I thought, "Other people who struggle with sadness would be angry with me for laughing at this." And then it dawned on me:

That's the point! We're SUPPOSED to laugh! If we can't laugh at ourselves and ease up what the hell are we doing?!?  Regardless of what you're going through, if you can't take a moment to laugh, to smile, to giggle at the self pity we, as humans, are SO good at, you're missing out.  It's those little breaks in between spitting in your Cheerios, that make it easier to cope. I thought about the times in my younger years, before I had a handle on my emotional state, that I'd just stay in bed for days and I laughed. I thought about when I'd watch the same movie over and over again or listen to the same song and I laughed. I laughed and I laughed and I laughed. Because, even though all of those feelings I had (and have) are valid, I'm also funny. I'm funny because I'm flawed and silly and occasionally wallow in my own self pity and it's ridiculous.

So thanks, Hyperbole & A Half, for reminding me to chill out. :)

Happy Birthday, Lori.

Song for this post: "Angel" ~ Sarah McLaughlin

In the seventh grade a new student came to our school. She was bubbly and funny and smart and independent. I met her in gym the locker rooms. My friend Kristina introduced us. And that was it. We were inseparable.  Coryn and I spent just about every waking minute together for the next 5 years. If one of us tried out for a sport, we both did. If one of us was in choir, the other was too. Cheerleading, pageantry, advanced classes, you name it. Coryn was better at math than I was and I was better at English so we couldn't do EVERYTHING together. But it was pretty close. We were so attached that I once spent 23 solid days at her house on summer break.

20 years later she's still my best friend and that will never change.

Her parents had moved her and her brother to our hometown when her dad retired from the military. Her father had been with the US Army for 30 years before receiving a Calling to lead a church. Her mother  worked for the NSA and had her Doctorate in Political Science. I tried reading her dissertation once. I made it 2 pages before I realized I had no idea what I was reading. Lori was outrageously intelligent. She was also the kindest woman I've ever met. She had a heart so full of love you'd think she might burst at any moment. But she was also silly and stoic and thoughtful.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

I look like a nest of demon birds.

Song for this post: "Good Morning Beautiful" ~ Steve Holy

OMG you guys. I don't know what happened while I was sleeping but I'm pretty sure this morning hair wins some kind of record. I'm totally ready for my 80s rock video.

I know. Makes you want to date me.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Shake your money maker...

Song for this post: "Too Close" ~ Alex Clare

This week's So You Think You Can Dance recap:

Only one person really impressed me. I was a little disappointed in Atlanta.

The kid I dug was Andrew Lawrence. I liked him because you could feel his emotions and tell he had a ton of technique but also threw a bunch of that staunch technique away. I dug that. It's like a big "Eff you! I do what I want! [snap]" So he switched between some great contemporary and ballet technique and just movin' around 'cause it felt good.

Andrew Lawrence
Atlanta, GA

There was one "notable."  And my "notable" I mean "entertaining" but not anything super special. Also, I really like using "quotes."

Andrew Rucker
Atlanta, GA

Also, on a totally different subject, the list of songs I put in each post (see Soundtrack page) is getting freakin' long. So I'm gonna start migrating it all over to one Spotify playlist so you can just click and play.

You're welcome.

Thursday, June 7, 2012


Song for this post: "Poker Face" ~ Lady Gaga

All of my sisters and I have this habit of thinking up a goal and then focusing on it with every force we can muster. It's a combination of manic creativity and dogged determination.  It's one of the many things that makes the women in my family so awesome...and a little cray.

It's also brought me a long way in life.

I can't sleep tonight. There's a lot going on that's both exciting and worrisome and it's forcing my German brain to want to organize and plan.  Must. Shut. It. Off.

I want my fruition now. Now that I've determined these new big plans I want them.

The women of my family are coming tomorrow and staying for the weekend. I should be sleeping. All of us in all of our crazy glory will be in one house + twin toddlers and an infant.  I'm absolutely thrilled but also, should be sleeping right now.

Here's a video of some other guys who also apparently couldn't sleep...and drink too much beer...and love Lady Gaga:

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I will trololo no more.

My day just got worse.

First Ray.

Now this:

Eduard Khil, the man you probably know better as "The Trololo Guy" has passed at the age of 77, in St. Petersburg. 

Well. That's it. I'm going back to bed.

We'll remember you forever, Trololo Guy. You were special.

And of course, the "real" version.

In the words of Mr. Khil himself, "Tonight! Bye bye!"

RIP Ray Bradbury. You were The Shit.

Song for this post: "Something Wicked This Way Comes" ~ Light for Fire

I have a personal goal to own 10,000 hardback books by the time I die. I've had that goal for a while. I know. Everyone should feel bad for my future husband and hope to God we don't move often. I love books. I love stories. I prefer a good book to my Kindle. Someday, when I publish, I want to have a special edition of my books printed on cut pages.

I've always loved to read. Very little television was played in my father's house when we were little. He said often that, if there was one thing he wanted for his girls it was that they all KNOW how to THINK. That's a powerful statement. So we read a lot. He reads a lot. If the television was on in that house when we were little, it was usually Star Trek. This created a life long love of two things for all of his daughters: Science Fiction...and Jean Luc Picard.

One of the first "real" books I remember reading as a child is Something Wicked This Way Comes.  It continues to be one of my very favorite books and one I pick back up on occasion and read again and again. Ray Bradbury was a genius.

So today is a sad day. A great literary mind has passed.  Ray Bradbury didn't just tell amazing stories, like so my other favorite writers, he told us about life, politics, love, and human compassion through his stories in a way that ingrained those ideals in your heart forever. He made you think about the world around you, really think and form your own conclusions instead of just lazily believing what you're told.

Thank you, Ray Bradbury. For helping my dad get what he wanted.

"I suppose one night hundreds of thousands of years ago in a cave by a night fire when one of those shaggy men wakened to gaze over the banked coals at his woman, his children, and thought of their being cold, dead, gone forever. Then he must have wept. And he put out his hand in the night to the woman who must die some day and to the children who must follow her. And for a little bit next morning, he treated them somewhat better, for he saw that they, like himself, had the seed of night in them."

...Ray Bradbury ~ Something Wicked This Way Comes

Monday, June 4, 2012

Looking for a date? Just be you.

Song for this post: "What Makes You Beautiful?" ~ One Direction

So I go about meeting men a little differently than most women do. So what?

Click to enlarge

What's my point? It's certainly not to give advise. Hey. I'm 30 and single. But you should be you. Be creative. If you're weird, be weird. It's like Mac McGuff said:

"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

Also, I want to go on a date at Ikea. 

Friday, June 1, 2012

I'm almost 31. The world is over.

I love Garfunkel & Oates. It's like they jumped inside my brain and sang my thoughts.

I don't really think the world is over. But what they're saying is certainly true. At 29 I was all, "Hurray! I'm awesome! I'm gonna meet the man of my dreams and we're gonna get married on a cloud, be bajillionaires and rule the world and ride unicorns with our fucking gorgeous children."


I love my career...and have a sardonic and overly self-deprecating sense of humor.