Saturday, December 31, 2011

Well that was unpleasant.

Song for this post: "Breathe Me" ~ Sia

This post is the resolution of this post.

Welp. I did it.  This morning I showed up at the poor girl's yoga studio and told her the man she lives with is not just unfaithful, he's NEVER been faithful.  Why did I do it at her work, you ask?  It's the only place I knew he wouldn't be.

There are few times in my life that I've felt like such a supreme asshole. She was sweet. She was kind. She was pretty.  She absolutely didn't deserve to have her heart ripped out.  But if I didn't do it now, he would have done it later to a much more upsetting degree.  That's how he is.

He is possibly the most charming man I've ever met. I'm not confused for a moment as to why she didn't see who he really is. I didn't either.  I fell for it...just like she did.  It's so unbelievably fucked up that he uses us (and all other women) the way he does...that he treats us like these toys he can take off his shelf whenever he chooses to please him.  Narcissist.

She cried a lot and I hugged her. I felt like a liar hugging her because she should, rightfully, hate me.  I didn't know they were living together, true.  But I did know they were dating. In my defense, he made it sound like it was casual and totally non-committal. I wouldn't have proceeded otherwise.  I feel terrible for her. But I had to do the right thing.  My morality is ambiguous. I know that. I have a way of justifying my actions so that they seem less wrong...or lack any right/wrong definition at all. But I have to draw a line somewhere.  I have to have SOME integrity.  And watching a girl get her heart slowly ripped out of her by a man who's done it over and over and over again to lots of us just isn't something I can live with without feeling incredible guilt. I've been her.  I wished to God then that someone would have told me.  I refuse to do that to let her be humiliated in the end. She deserves the chance to be a strong woman and know the truth.

I gave her my number in case she had questions or needed to talk. I really do want to do whatever I can for her.  After all, I know exactly how she feels right now. If she decides to hate me, that's fine too. I'm not exactly blameless in this.

I just hope she listens to me and gets the hell away from him.

He's a really horrible person.

You know who else was devastatingly charming and handsome and smart and witty and could lure you in with a glance of his perfect eyes?

The devil.


  1. Your last sentence really hits your point home; reminds me of that old Rolling Stones song, "Sympathy for the Devil."

    What I'm about to type probably isn't a meaningful comparison (it sounds like he intended on keeping this whole private affair of his own personal doing going), but the whole moral conflict of the situation is something I'm very familiar with.

    Several years ago (actually, the last time I was stationed in Korea), I was engaged to someone whom I fell head over heels for in a very brief amount of time. Reflecting back, I was rather young and naive about it, but the gist of it was that I didn't want to lose her. Long story short, our relationship grew more and more complicated based on the distance between us, but with little possibility of resolving it (she lost her passport and didn't have the money to file for a replacement; I couldn't travel there without three-star general approval, which was very rarely granted at that time, unless you had immediate family there). And her family life grew more erratic and unstable, which made matters worse.

    Worse of all, my feelings were changing towards her, as well as my confidence on whether or not we could even maintain a stable marriage, especially if I deployed for several months at a time. I felt trapped, and I felt that I was doing the same thing to her, namely because I had essentially fallen out of love with her. But I made a huge mistake in the process, one I hadn't intended until after the fact: I met someone else at that time.

    It didn't end up as anything serious (it never became intimate, and that whole fling ended briefly), but I still felt extremely guilty about it, considering I still had a fiancee elsewhere. I knew I had to do the right thing, so I decided to tell her how I felt and release her from our engagement. It was much too sudden, and I don't believe she was initially expecting it from me. For many following months, she resented me for that and we fell out of touch, until shortly after I left Japan. But I don't blame her for that reaction; it was totally my fault, and I knew better.

    To this day, that stands as the most terrible thing I've ever done in my life, and remains my biggest shame. But I was at least able to take away a rather humbling lesson from my own folly. And it did lead to my ex-fiancee finding a loving husband and having children of her own, and in the end, we still remain friends.

    That said, it amazes me that someone can do this to another person while not possessing an ounce of guilt or regret about it. And then even attempt to persuade the other person involved to remain a mistress of sorts. That in itself is deplorable.

    Every human being stumbles somewhere down the personal roads we travel, but how we recover makes all of the difference. And the actions we take to better ourselves truly reflect us. For him, it seems life is just a game: he can play whatever, whenever, and whoever he feels like playing. But he is living in single player mode, and he will never truly know what it feels like to enjoy life with a steadfast and loyal player two. And that, is his loss.

  2. Thank you for commenting on this, Dustin. I'm sorry you went through what you went through but really appreciate that you took the harder, truthful road. It's not always easy doing what's right when you know it will hurt someone. And yes, he is going to end up living his life alone. Even if he does partner up, he'll never really let someone all the way in and, because of that, he'll never know what it's like to truly be in love. Sad. Textbook narcissist.

  3. You're quite welcome. I appreciate being able to pass this on to someone I know, even if it only provides a little bit of insight. Only a handful of my friends and family even knew I was ever engaged back then, and I don't think any of them can even relate to it. But the lessons I learned from it were invaluable; it helped me mature a great deal, and re-evaluate my overall mindset on serious relationships. I've been happily involved with my girlfriend for the past four years and plan to make the next step a reality.

    You did the right thing by telling his girlfriend the truth about the situation; it's usually a position that many people wouldn't put themselves in. But being willing to give her your number and answer any question she has about what happened is quite remarkable; a striking example of "the Golden Rule:" do no harm, or minimize that harm, if possible. I know you'll take this to heart... and end up with the right (and honest) person for you.