Tuesday, February 28, 2012


I'm not ignoring you. I swear.

I'll surface from under this pile of unpacking and heavy deadlines later this week.


In the meantime, keep yourself busy with this little nugget of gold (in honor of National Pancake Day):

If you're not in the loop, a ton of people think their shit's hotter than Busta Rhymes in Chris Brown's song Look At Me Now and they like to try to prove it by posting videos of themselves butchering it on Youtube. The first big remake I know of came from Karmin and continues to be my favorite. thing. ever.  She's a badass.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Personal defense makes me feel pretty

Song for this post: "Blow" ~ Ke$ha

Two very important things just happened in my office:

1. My taser came in 3 days early! Don't worry everybody. I read the instructions very carefully a number of times before my coworker, Tim, and I played with it. Lemme tell ya: this sucker's LOUD!  So loud, in fact, that the IT guy got really paranoid when he heard electrical spark sounds coming from my office. hehe :)

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I hope my kid is an ass-kickin' rap princess.

Song for this post: "Moment 4 Life" ~ Nicki Minaj

Have I told you all how much I love Sophia Grace? Well, I do. I pray to God my children pop out as little, British pop princesses rapping awesome Nicki Minaj songs.

Sophia (and her hype-girl Rosie) made yet another appearance on Ellen recently and that pretty much makes my day.

Srsly. Youtube some of their videos. She's the funniest, most entertaining, little girl ever and she's RIDICULOUSLY comfortable in front of an audience.

I want one.

Monday, February 20, 2012

There is a serial killer in my neighborhood

No song...because this isn't very cheery.

Today very quickly placed itself in a hand basket and went to Hades.

I have lived in my townhouse for a year and a half. It's in a sketchy neighborhood in Seattle, sure. But there's NEVER been a problem here. I've never even heard a raised voice. Now I'm leaving this sketchy neighborhood for a beautiful, idyllic, 1950s seaside neighborhood. I'm moving into a beautiful house and will be a ferry commuter.  You know what else I just found out my new neighborhood has?

A serial killer.

Getting older makes me dumber

Song for this post: "Today" ~ Smashing Pumpkins

Taken from Doctor Quack's blog post on why it sucks to be aging:

Not only am I dumber than I used to be, I’m also more retarded.

Maybe the first clause is due to this principle: “The more things you know to exist, the dumber you feel,” but that doesn’t help me feel any less retarded. And I don’t mean that in an offensive-slur kind of way. Literally, I feel like I’m mentally handicapped, at least compared to how I used to be. Let’s take language as an example:

Sunday, February 19, 2012

No one does it like Elvis.

Song for this post: "Moon River" ~ Audrey Hepburn

I woke up without an alarm at 7:00 AM. On a Sunday. Most people would be pissed by that but I think it's pretty fantastic.  Most of my family members wake up really early and I've always thought it's great how much they can accomplish before noon.  We don't have much life to live...I don't want to miss the few mornings I have in this world sleeping.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Chuck Norris for President

Song for this post: "Down Under" ~ Men At Work

So. It's Friday. And that means "Friday Staff Meeting." I know last week was really disappointing so you'll be pleased to know that not only was this week substantially more exciting, but shots started almost an hour ahead of schedule. There was so much gold going on that I had to take notes.

Go team!

Here's a brief recap of some fairly serious issues:

"This world was made for you and me."

Song for this post: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" ~ George Michael

From my darling friend Gennifer:  (I found this so insightful and well written that it had to be reposted here.)

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

What the heck is string theory?

Song for this post: "Science is Real" ~ They Might Be Giants 

I should have been a middle school science teacher:

The topic of string theory came up today in a thread on my sister's facebook. Not shocking. My sisters and I have a bad habit of getting super scientific and super philosophical way too early in the morning. Anyway, a few people who saw it asked me in messages what the heck string theory is.  So, here ya go.  I'm gonna break it down for ya'll:

Marriage is NOT for suckers

Song for this post: "Forever" ~ Chris Brown

This makes me happier than I'm able to contain and still present a composed outward demeanor. Like, embarrassingly, giddy happy. You know, like I might actually be human. It makes me want to slide down rainbows and ride unicorns into the sunset and shit.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Sometimes I amuse myself...

First 3 people to email me the explanation of 42 (and the second solution that followed) and give me the full quote for mankind and it's source will get something special snail mailed to them. For real.

Ok go!

Caro mio ben...

Song for this post: "Caro mio ben" ~ Malena Ernman

I scored a free, upright piano for the new house! So excited.

Most of you know that I love to sing and play music. I've done both since I was very little. I took voice lessons for a long time too.  It's the source of some of my favorite childhood memories.  My foster sister and I always scheduled our lessons back to back so we could go together. We did everything together. I think that, if we lived close to each other, we probably still would.  No one is closer to me than she is.  She's been my very best friend since the 7th grade...and then she became my sister.  I'm 30 now so, you do the math.

Anyway, our voice instructor was named Betsy and she had this adorable little cottage in the country with a vw bus parked next to it.  She was beautiful and young and had an infant who was always present during lessons. She'd named her daughter Aria which, anyone who's studied music knows, is a short opera.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Excuse me. I mustache you a question:

Song for this post: "Douchebag" ~ Patent Pending 

Feeling very debonnaire."
Every day I get "words of the day" delivered to my email inbox from two sources: Merriam-Webster, and Urban Dictionary. I think it's important to be well rounded. Also, I like words. "Say words, Elle!"

Today's Urban Dictionary word:

Any felonies in the last 7 years?

Song for this post: "Terrorist Threat" ~ Ice Cube ...because, why not?

When I got this new house (13 days until I move in!) the landlord had to run a credit and background check on me. I've never had a background check run on me before so this was fairly exciting.  I was curious to see what kind of mischief I had been getting into right under my nose.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Paula Deen is the new Wilfred Brimley.

Click image to enlarge.

PS. Speaking of Paula Deen, Glozell is my new favorite person on the planet.  I want her to be my BFFL. Srsly. Have you seen her cinnamon challenge?!?!? I almost peed I laughed so hard.

I'd eat the shit out of your homemade cookies!

Song for this post: "Marry Me" ~ Martin Sexton

And just like that, totally inadvertently, my outstanding Sissy managed to make me laugh so hard I forgot how sad I am today. Thank you Pinterest, and my Sissy, for cheering me up after a pretty upsetting day:

Mi corazón es el corazón.

Song for this post: "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye..." ~ Boys II Men

Today I rehomed my cat. I've had him for nearly 12 years and love him to pieces. It would be hard to have a pet by your side for that long and NOT being utterly attached to them. But, the truth is, he's getting older and needs more attention. I'm going to be living alone and travelling for work.  It's not fair to him to leave him home alone all the time.

I found this amazing lady who loves animals and has such a big heart. She really reminded me of my own mother. She came today with her daughter and took my kitty away. And I cried like a big ol' baby.

What am I doing now, you ask?

Friday, February 10, 2012

Friday staff meeting

Song for this post: "C.R.E.A.M." ~ Wu Tang

I know I usually have an interesting story about our "Friday sales staff meetings" but, this week, I really don't. Our time at Alibi Room was surprisingly tame. We each had very few drinks (I really have no tolerance since January Prohibition), ate some pizza and talked about normal things.

I got to see pictures of my boss's beautiful children. We talked about my coworker considering island living (I'm an advocate, as we all know), and the bartender, Lindsey, and I scheduled a shopping date for Valentine's Day.

All good things. All very normal. We did talk briefly about adult circumcision but, for us, that's pretty tame. Oh! This totally inappropriate thing made laugh...so there's that. Thank you George Takei for being totally creepy.

What can I say? Next week we'll try harder.

RE: The song for this post: In lieu of some sordid story have some mid-nineties gansta rap.

Cough. Cough. Gag. Hack.

Song for this post: "Heart Shaped Box" ~ Nirvana

I don't normally voice such strong opinions. I'll just put that out there right now. But I'm standing by it.

This morning I was waiting at my bus stop when it occurred to me I was having a hard time breathing. I looked around and, on every side of me, someone was smoking.

I used to be a smoker. For the life of me I can't figure out why. But, I was one. And I'm not now. In fact, I'm SO not that it baffles me why I ever did to begin with. I genuinely HATE everything about it. I think it's disgusting. There are not adjectives to describe how awful I think it is and how much I wish I could take back all those years of damaging my body with cigarettes. And I think that gives me a broad understanding of what it's like to smoke, what it's like not to smoke, and how it effects those around you who don't share your habit.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Pilgrimage to the center of time.

Song for this post: "Lonely Hands" ~ Angus & Julia Stone
"The tragedy of this world is that no one is happy, whether stuck in a time of pain or of joy. The tragedy of this world is that everyone is alone. For a life in the past cannot be shared with the present. Each person who gets stuck in time gets stuck alone."
You wanna do something that will ruin your day and fill you with utter despair? Read "Einstein's Dreams" by Alan Lightman.


Wednesday, February 8, 2012

I'm gonna eat your brains and gain your knowledge.

Song for this post: "Run For Your Life" ~ Saint Daemon

On Wednesdays I go running.

I should probably clarify that. Here's my weekly gym schedule (all done on my lunch hour):

Monday: Elliptical
Tuesday: Lap Swimming
Wednesday: Long distance treadmill
Thursday: Lap Swimming
Friday: Elliptical

See?  Certifiably insane.

Let your freak flag fly.

Song for this post: "Diamonds on the Inside" ~ Ben Harper

I have these nightmares that I'm in a public place or with someone I'm trying to impress and something awful happens, like my hair falls out or I pee all over myself. You know...things that are fairly unbecoming. I think it's a lingering and deep seeded "ugly duckling" psychosis that never left me. I wasn't very popular in school.  I didn't have it as hard as some but I was definitely the girl who did everything wrong. If there was a chance for embarrassment, I seemed to take the ball and run with it.  School for me was like a shotput...only the ball was my own humiliation. Obviously, as I've gotten older, I've realized that we ALL felt that way; like we didn't fit in.  We felt like, any moment, we were going to say something stupid or, worse, our bizarre teenaged bodies were going to rebel against us in some mortifying and unforgivable way.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Pie fights, composting toilets, and waking up to harp music.

Song for this post: "Fortunate Son" ~ Creedance Clearwater Revival

I've been looking for an upright piano to add to the new place lately since I have the room now. I have played for years and had an upright when I lived in my hometown but had to sell it because I didn't have anywhere to put it in Seattle.

Anyway, I found this guy who restores pianos, resells them, and rents them. So I emailed him to see if I could come look at a few. Turns out he has more than 100 in his warehouses and nothing to do with them. He said Bremerton is a long way to move a piano from his location in Whidbey and he wasn't sure if it would be worth it for me. So he offered to just give me one.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Aerobic infidelity in the workplace.

Song for this post: "Walk Away" ~ Kelly Clarkson

Me: "I'm going to the gym."
Receptionist: "Tell him I said hello. I haven't seen him in a while."
Me: "I'm sure Gym understands. It's a love hate relationship."
Receptionist: "I think he's upset that I've been spending time with Ben & Jerry."

"Light up, light up."

Song for this post: "Run" ~ Leona Lewis

Hey I just realized I haven't told you about my excursion into long distance, financially charged, quasi guardianship.

My office is in the heart of downtown Seattle. That means that we're all super busy, smug, office-obsessed aholes between the hours of well...always.  But it also means that we all have a pretty well developed guilt complex.  This makes downtown a PRIME location for outreach representatives to do business.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Oh The Vanity (4)

Song for this post: "Like A G6" ~ Far East Movement

There's so much change going on right now that I haven't been able to sleep lately. I seem to be in a permanent state of "amped-up." The caffeine I'm constantly putting in my system doesn't help either. On the up side, my productivity level is WAY up.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Suck it up! Rub some dirt in it!

Song For This Post: "Bulletproof" ~ La Roux

I get that I'm a woman and that means I have all these hormones and emotions and stuff. It's like we all have this "crazy soup" in our brains that, sometimes, makes us overreact just a little.

Everyone who knows me well knows that, while I'm a nice girl, I'm not terribly empathetic. In fact, emoting publicly is sort of terrifying for me.  Most people enjoy hugs and displays of emotion. It makes them feel connected to the other person. It makes me feel uncomfortable...or, you know, like I'm being stabbed.

So it was a little surprising to me this morning when a firetruck flew past my bus stop and I started bawling like a small, disturbed child.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

"Real Change"

Song for this post: "When You're Smiling" ~ Louis Armstrong

For those of you who don't know, the blog I kept before this documented my experience while working for a nonprofit that helps the homeless population of Seattle.  It was a pretty life changing experience for me and made a huge impact on how I look at people, society, and how we interact with each other.

One of the other nonprofits we worked with is called Real Change News. It's a local newspaper designed to help homeless persons improve their situation.  All of the articles are written by the homeless and distribution is done entirely by the homeless. They buy papers at a minimal cost and resell them so they have money in their pockets.  There's one man who positions himself at the Starbucks on 23rd Ave S. & Jackson St who sells them in the mornings, goes to school in the afternoons, and stays at the shelter I worked at overnight.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

"Drove me like a magnet to the sea..."

Song for this post: "Crystal" ~ Stevie Nicks

When I started writing our book series I spent a lot of time researching US cities so I could find one that had enough interest in it that the storyline would be planted in reality. I ended up choosing Thomasville, GA because it had been in a CNN poll the year before I started book 1.  It's listed in the top 5 cities to visit because of the INCREDIBLE gardens.  Thomasville is known for their roses (and paint according to the commercials, haha). As a result, we've spent a lot of time including little details in book one about gardens and the care and "pomp and circumstance" that Georgians give them.

What's my point in all this?

Is Tator Tot Mr. Potato Head's son?

Song for this post: "Winin' Boy Blues" ~ Hugh Laurie (House)

My new house has this adorable, retro, 1950s kitchen with this awesome 1950s stove. There's this new fad with appliances and designing them in 1950s style (see this for reference) which I think is effing fantastic.  It goes well with my obsession with cooking aprons (just got a new one a few weeks ago). I plan on always having martinis ready in my house. Feel free to stop by. In the meantime...