Monday, May 28, 2012

Why Dating Websites Are So Much Fun

I'm going to preface this by saying that I rarely take dating websites seriously. In fact, if you were to look at my profile on OkCupid, the website would alert you that I "respond very selectively" which basically means, "don't even bother." This is for a few reasons:

1. I'm super happy with the person I'm dating right now. 
2. 95% of the people on that site are broken, damaged, or retarded.
3. I'm lazy and can't be bothered by your neediness/flattery/pathetic attempt to get in my pants.
4. Unless I care about you on a personal level or interact with you professionally, I'm pretty much a career obsessed, anti-feelings, bitch-monster. RAWWWR!!!

Mostly, I have a profile on there still because, occasionally, gems like what happened this morning pop up and I can't resist the need to see where it goes. Questions about my behavior? See quoted explanation at left. Still have questions? This.

I'd like to start by thanking THIS guy for making my morning. Srsly. You crack me up! :D

(click to enlarge)

I'm really proud of myself right now for not responding to the LONG list of bat shit cray cray drivel he spewed.  There's so much ammo there I wouldn't know where to begin:
Things NOT to mention when first contacting someone on a dating website:
  1. Burning Man
  2. Orgies
  3. His childhood sexual abuse
  4. Drug use
  5. Openly admitting he's probably a walking STD after having had sex with almost 300 people
  6. An obvious hatred of women

...but you can bet your bottom dollar I'm probably going to be referencing it here for a LONG time.


  1. Ladies and gentlemen, we have just crowned the King AND Queen (rolled into one) of the 2012 Douchebags' Ball! Seriously though, just what the hell did I just read from this guy?! As the saying goes, truth really is stranger than fiction.

    1. Honestly, he made my day. That shit is gold!

  2. First of all, that shit be crazy.

    But what really got my attention was the content of the first message. I don't know about you, but I fucking hate it when some douche tells me "I could love you like no man has or ever will."

    What do you mean, asshole? Am I a pity fuck? Why would no other man love me just as much? Am I not good enough for any other man on the planet?

    I hate that stupid line... ESPECIALLY from some moron who's never even met you!

    Ah, the internet is so entertaining!

    1. I completely agree. There was so much just in that first message that made me angry but I thought it best to take the high road. Then, when it quickly disintegrated, I just couldn't resist being a dick.

  3. Just wow. That conversation right there pretty much sums up what I've been going through with this one girl for the past 7 months.

    I believe the clinical term is "Bat Shit Crazy".

    I'm sorry that guys feel the need to approach women like that. It makes me sick to be counted among the male gender.

    If you ever have doubts that there are real men out there that will treat you correctly, feel free to give me a call.

    I'll love you like no other man has or will. ;-)