Friday, May 4, 2012

Vasectomies and why I'm mad at Wo(men)...

Song for this post: "Do It Like A Dude" ~ Jessie J

The primary topic in today's Friday Staff Meeting was vasectomies. Not joking.

Coworker: "So, I had a vasectomy."
Me (sarcastically): "Thanks for coming to lunch today guys. It's been super fun!"
Coworker: "I just think it's funny that you can't say anything related to reproductive organs without blushing or telling us to shut up."
Me: "I'm a girl. Just because we're all buddies doesn't mean I want to hear about your junk."
Coworker: "Wanna see my scar?"

I give up.*

I got back to the office from the staff meeting (to prepare for our ACTUAL staff meeting) and saw a post on facebook that I want to touch on in an inappropriate setting:

:::Brace yourself for obnoxiously long post:::

There's this new (notsonew) book series out called 50 Shades of Gray and women are going BATSHIT crazy for this literary dreck.  I mean like, over the moon for it.

Basically, it's romantic-novel-soft-porn wrapped in a new, pretty package. And, thanks to my generation and our new level of "I'm me, deal with it" social liberation" everyone wants to announce it to the world.

It's like, if you say you're reading this series, everyone will know a secret about you that you want them to know but can't outright say it. It's literary passive aggressive social behavior.

It's not just this book series. This series was based on Twilight and the names were changed later. But Twilight is just as bad. Everyone thinks Edward Cullen is such a dreamboat but, you know what, if my boyfriend cut the cables in my truck so I couldn't see my friends and stood at the edge of my bed while I slept at night I'd call the cops. IT'S NOT ROMANCE. It's abuse. I don't understand why women think it's romantic!

Well, let me say it. I've read the 50 Shades series. I mean, it was painful and I had to force myself to finish the third one, but I tried, nonetheless. When a new series comes out, you can find me dealing with it in this sort of process:

Deny >> Complain >> Make fun of the people who like it >> Get Curious >> Read it without anyone knowing.

So I read 50 Shades of Gray and it's SOOOOOOO awful!!!!!!!!

It's the worst book series ever. If you have any inclination to read this piece of literary feces, feel free to read this review first.

I get it. I do. It makes women feel sexy. It fulfills some kind of cliche, outdated dream about being taken advantage of by some obscenely rich and good looking narcissist.  What is it with my gender's continued need to relive 1950?!? We constantly say we're liberated but you know what? We're lying.

In a nutshell, the series is about an unorthodox couple (he's awesome and she's a twit) who explore domination and submission in a sexual setting.

Let me just say right here: I support you exploring whatever it is that drives you/turns you on/makes you tick. Go you!  Rah rah rah!

My problem with this series isn't just that's it's horribly written by a woman who shouldn't be allowed to call herself a writer or even hold a pen.  It's that it's demonstrative of a society we think we don't live in and, because of that, it's calling out a truth that's a little tough to swallow.  I hate the book and I hate what its popularity represents in contemporary society.

Here's what Ellen has to say about it...

My mother, your mother, their mothers started women's revolution. We wanted equal rights. And now everyone thinks we have it. Oh we have an equal wage (sometimes). We have the same political rights (most of the time). We legally can't be discriminated against (as if that doesn't happen). But you're fucking delusional if you think men and women are equals.

"Oh you go are women not equals?"

Our mothers wanted us to have the same rights both in politics and society as men do. And yet, here I am, a 30 year old female with a career who's basically considered a leper in most circles of friends because I don't have a man.  Let's face it. No matter how independent we think we are as women, we've been conditioned to revolve around men no matter what. Even when we say we don't need them, we're still talking about them. But it's not their fault. It's ours.

In working toward equality we didn't create a generation of women who want to choose. We create a generation of women who want to DO IT ALL and, if you don't, you're a failure.

Be beautiful like the girls on the cover of Photoshop.
Be successful.
Be kind and generous.
Be witty and intelligent.
Be blonde AND brunette.
Be opinionated AND submissive.
Put your right foot in and your left foot out.

Anything less is unacceptible.

The other day I was getting my nails done and the nail technician asked if I was married. When I said no he immediately asked what was wrong with me.

Nothing is wrong with me! I just don't want to be married yet. What's so wrong with that?!?! I thought we lived in a new era where a woman could choose a career without become a plague o' both your houses.

It's not just these overblown expectations we've set for ourselves. It's that, while we've changed, men haven't. They haven't because this whole equality thing has been so disjointed and confusing they have no idea who we are and what we want. So it's still all about them. It's still about what they want. We're still THEIR wives. WE take birth control. WE take their last name. WE have to prove we're smarter/better/more resourceful in the work place. WE have to dress up and maintain ourselves and wear lacy bullshit to bed while they barely shower.

Author Susan Douglas said this:

“We see [female] chiefs of police, surgeons and lawyers everywhere [on TV], but we also see women tear each other’s weaves out in catfights over The Bachelor and vie for plastic surgery and body makeovers on shows like The Swan. The confusing dichotomy sends one message to women that they can do or be anything they want, and another telling them to “conform to this hyper-feminine ideal of hotness and beauty."

Point is? It all still revolves around men.

Okay. I'm sorry to my fathers for saying this:

I dated a guy a while back who was dating someone else. Not in a shady way. In a "just going on dates and isn't serious with either girl" sort of way. I expressed that I didn't want to sleep with him while he had feelings for her. He agreed that it would be wrong.  Then he said:

"But I at least expected a blow job."

I'm sorry. I think I just hallucinated.  Did you really just disrespect and invalidate me on such an arrogant and unforgivable level?!?

But that's how a LOT of the men I meet are.  And it's not their fault, per say. It's the confused generation they were raised in.  It's the confused generation WE were raised in. But mostly, it's the confused women in our generation.

Stop internalizes every man's bad behavior and becoming your own villain.  Women do the stupidest things to be liked. I know...because I've done them.  Stop bending over backwards. Stop losing your identity. Stop saying yes and creating emotional trauma and psychological damage for yourself because you're afraid to say no.  Put him on his knees for a change.

Become okay with being with you.

I'm happy to be single. I love my life, my job, my family... I DO NOT need a man to complete me. Because of that self confidence, I'm also not willing to put up with a lot of the dysfunctional, self serving actions many women put up with. They don't put up with arrogant, selfish behavior from us. Why should we?

If you did half the shit to a man that they do to women in our society they'd run for the hills.

I should say, though, that this statement applies to all relationships, regardless of gender identity. It's about the power exchange between two archetypes that's not just wrong. It's damaging.

Love yourself a little more. And know that you don't have to do it all. There is balance in between and it starts with focusing on you. And, for Pete's sake, stop being turned on by stories about submissive women in emotionally dysfunctional relationships with manipulative, verbally abusive narcissists.

*In no way does the quoted conversation above represent any form of sexual harassment in the workplace. We're funny. We're all buddies. In fact, they're very much like brothers to me. We work together like a charm and we like to have drinks together. It's not their fault I'm the only chick. 

Addendum (5/25/12):


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