Saturday, August 18, 2012

Tennessee = Darlin' I don't know what you're talkin' about but you sure look pretty.

Song for this post: "Tennessee" ~ The Wreckers not ironically, off their album "Stand Still, Look Pretty"

So, here's the deal ya'll:

I made it back from Tennessee without any criminal charges. I know. I want to pat myself on the back too. I think what probably saved me from being stuck in that awful ring of hell were 3 things:

  1. I was barely ever allowed to leave the resort
  2. The one time I did I was with Bianca, who had the presence of mind to get me out of the taxi before the racist taxi driver I was reprimanding kicked us out
  3. There were more than 2,900 rooms in our it would have been difficult for the fuzz to find me
Why am I talking about being arrested, you ask? Because Tennessee is the most horrible place I've ever been to. When people weren't busy talking about how they hate [expletive that starts with an F and refers to the gay population], they were talking about how they hate [expletive that starts with an N and refers to the black population]. The citizens of Nashville we bumped into on Broadway (where all the clubs are, including Margaritaville*) used both epithets liberally and in public. Our taxi driver was so bad that that he used both incredibly offensive terms in one statement:

Me: "I can't believe the guys at that bar were just calling people the F word like it's okay. It's not okay."
Taxi Driver: "Ya. A lot of that goes around. You should be glad you got my taxi instead of all the ones that are driven by [racial expletive].
Me: "Are you being serious?!? You the hell would you think it's okay to say those things?"
Taxi Driver: "I'm just sayin' it like it is."
Me: ...launching a shit storm of ridicule and judgement at my ignorant, obnoxious, waste-of-space taxi driver...
Taxi Driver upon arrival: "Well I certainly don't expect you to tip me after this ride."
Me: "Good. Because I had no intention of tipping you. You should be lucky I'm paying you after having to tolerate the shit that came out of your mouth."**
*In my defense, I WOULDN'T have paid him except that I was on a business trip...and sort of had to do things by the book. I realize I stretched that concept when I started screaming at him that he was half retarded and incapable of critical thought and to LET ME OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR!
**Contrary to what Jimmy Buffet has told you, Margaritaville was really quite dull. The lighting was too bright, the band was mediocre, and there was nothing to do there besides stand around. Thankfully I met a crew of business partners who kicked ass (Shoutout to Josh!) that kept me having fun. And I got my coworker to dance...and he's super retro...which means the dancing was awesome and very "John Travolta in Pulp Fiction."
Oh my gosh and the people there (Tennesseans? Tennessans?) were SO. RUDE. I thought people in the south were supposed to be polite; that whole "southern hospitality" thing. But no. People in Nashville are more entitled, more self important, and more rude than Seattle could ever aspire to be. And that's saying a LOT.  And the women are SO. CATTY. Texas wasn't that way. Texas was awesome. Everyone was so welcoming and friendly. I kind of feel like we all give Texas a bad rap. Really, it's the nicer state in the southern alliance. They're motto should be something like, "Texas: Where the non-racist, non-asshole southerners live."

Basically, when it comes to southern states, I like Texas WAY better than Tennessee. 

There were a few good moments, but they were all business related. First, our hotel was a resort. Actually, it was the size of 13 football fields, and had lakes, rivers, trees, and more than 12 restaurants inside one HUGE glass dome. It's basically a bunch of colonial style buildings that have been encased in one huge glass dome, so you never have to go outside. It's always the perfect temperature, there are always birds singing, the water is always warm, and the restaurants are outstanding. It was creepy in this paranoid, dystopian, "this is the future of mankind" sort of way. But it was also nice to be part of the dystopian elite for a few days...and I shudder at myself as I type that. These are all indoors and all in the same "branch" of the hotel.

There was a Dolly Parton impersonator at our tradeshow who was old as dirt and walked with a limp. Win!

One of our partners took us on a steamboat! It was awesome. There was live music and cocktails and snacks and we sailed down the Cumberland River through Nashville at sunset. It. Was. Awesome.

Yes. My coworker wears socks that look like sharks.

My flight back was way better than my flight there. I'm not passing out these days, it seems. Steppin' up in the world. I used to pass out at take off like clockwork. These days, I just get really woozy and have to close my eyes and breath really slowly until the plane levels off in altitude. It still terrifies me. But at least I'm conscious. I apply that last part to most aspects of my life.

Friday I worked from home, did laundry, and dusted my whole house. Actually, that's not the whole truth. I came home from the airport, got 3 hours of sleep, and proceeded to CLEAN THE SHIT out of my house. Every room, every surface, every item is spotless now. For rlz. You could probably eat off my floor. To celebrate, I made myself a tasty omelet at 8 this morning. And when I cracked the 2nd egg into the bowl it was TWINS! I'm so proud. I named them before I ate them.

Now it's 8:30 PM on a Saturday and I decided to stay home 'cause I'm still wrecked from the work schedule and jet lag. All I want to do is sleep. So I'm eating Indian food and watching reruns of Law & Order: SVU. 

Totally happy about that.

Also, I just want to take a sappy minute to mention again why I love where I live so much. All week my sister and closest friends kept texting and emailing and telling me to come home. So many of them. I'm a lucky lady to have so much love in my life.


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