Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Bella Swan's Armpits Smell Awesome!

Song for this post: "Monster" ~ Kanye West feat. Nicki Minaj

Last night at the check out in the grocery store a classy older woman asked me what the weird little green things in my pile of groceries were.

"Those are fresh garbanzo beans that haven't been shucked yet," I replied. "There absolutely delicious when you sautee' them with a little EVOO and pepper. I'm going to make them with seared halibut."

The classy older woman smiled, and told me she just adores garbanzo beans and she'd just have to give that a try. Then she flicked her pashmina scarf back over her shoulder and said, "That's just marvy."

She's my new idol.

You know who's NOT my idol? Twilighters. That's who. How much more can you people exploit an already ridiculous, vapid franchise?!? Oh I know! Deodorant:

"I rub Degree Girls Twilight Kiss on my smelly parts because I want to be just like Bella Swan."

That's it. That's my limit.

::Steps down from stage, throws microphone on floor, and leaves the room::

Oh hey! You know what this week is? This week is the anniversary of the first satellite being launched into space! Why's that important? Oh I don't know...maybe because that's why we can have cell phones, the internet and about a billion other awesome things that rely on wireless transmission.  Happy birthday satellites. You're outta this world!


  1. "There's a sucker born every minute."

    For Twilight fans, that means buying anything marketed with Stephanie Meyer's approval. Given my distaste with the fickle pleasures of modern civilization (along with how men are depicted in popular "novels"), I'm hoping for the Mad Max future so bad-asses can be appreciated again.

  2. But yeah, Odin bless satellites, as well as Arthur C. Clarke, who first envisioned them.