Happy Valentine's Day!

Song for this post: "Fallin" ~ Connie Francis

No Means No - via The Daily Grace

KNOW YOUR "NO" LADIES.

If you haven't heard of this girl's You Tube Channel, know about it.

So. Funny.

Nice Sexism, Hollywood. Thumbs Up.

Song for this post: "Want You Back" ~ Cher Lloyd

(via Hannah Horvath)

Kristen Stewart Dropped from ‘Snow White’ Sequel Plans (Exclusive) 

Okay, so Kristen Stewart cheats on her boyfriend, who she is not married to, not engaged to, has no real legal bond to, and her career suffers. This is not the first movie she has been rumored to be dropped from. (I think it might be the third) People have talked about how this might hurt Breaking Dawn. How people will harass her at premieres or public appearances. Pretty much, the cheating scandal has made her such a liability that it might be a really long time before producers are willing to cast her in anything. 

Meanwhile, Chris Brown physically assaults his girlfriend. There are pictures of what he did to Rihanna. There is a detailed police report saying exactly what he did. And has his career suffered at all? His most recent albums have only gotten more and more popular, he won a Grammy, he was invited to perform at the Grammys, and he still has a huge fan base, mostly female, disturbingly enough. 

Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen physically assaults his wife, again, with detailed police reports. He makes anti-Semetic remarks about his boss. He goes on a bender that is captured by every major news outlet. And it’s all a joke. He trademarks all the crazy shit he says and makes money off the merchandise. He not only gets a new TV show, but it is the highest rated show on FX. 

A+ sexism there, Hollywood.

You're a D@&!#bag

Does this work for ANYONE?!? Seriously?!?!

Click to enlarge all.

His opening line in his message to me is, "You'd look good on my arm." Um. No thanks. But I figured it was worth reading more, for entertainment value...

...more after the jump.

WTF is "mellow fruitfulness?!?"

Song for this post: "There's Hope Yet" ~ Raised By Swans (the best band EVER)

Since it's been a main theme in my life, and now the lives of the people around me, I thought it worth discussing here:

I'll be 31 this year. And while my 30s are proving pretty great when it comes to physical things (I make more money, I have a great house, etc) and general relationships (My friendships are qualified, loving, mature friendships with solid foundations), I've suddenly become acutely aware of not just my utter failing in romantic relationships, but my own mortality as well. These are two themes that didn't really matter to me in my 20s. There would always be more relationships. There would always be another year. There would always be more chances. 

But that's not true and that fact has rooted itself in my mind and created both a renewed sense of urgency to experience it all and be a more genuine "Now-ist," as well as this quiet sense of desperation that's been growing inside of me like a cancer.

I heard somewhere once that spending chances is the worst kind of extravagance.

What if I never find love? What if I never have a family? What if my legacy dies with me and I never have the opportunity to raise beautiful human life? Why am I holding my existence up against this baseline as if that option is the only one that could possibly bring me life-fulfilling happiness? Why am I being such a cliche' and asking these existential questions in my 30s?

Here's the truth: When you are too focused on one thing, you miss out on everything.

Looking for a date? Just be you.

Song for this post: "What Makes You Beautiful?" ~ One Direction

So I go about meeting men a little differently than most women do. So what?

Click to enlarge

What's my point? It's certainly not to give advise. Hey. I'm 30 and single. But you should be you. Be creative. If you're weird, be weird. It's like Mac McGuff said:

"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

Also, I want to go on a date at Ikea. 

I'm almost 31. The world is over.

I love Garfunkel & Oates. It's like they jumped inside my brain and sang my thoughts.

I don't really think the world is over. But what they're saying is certainly true. At 29 I was all, "Hurray! I'm awesome! I'm gonna meet the man of my dreams and we're gonna get married on a cloud, be bajillionaires and rule the world and ride unicorns with our fucking gorgeous children."

Now?

I love my career...and have a sardonic and overly self-deprecating sense of humor.

It bears repeating...

Song for this post: "Premonition" ~ Conjure One

There is a place where time stands still. Raindrops hang motionless in air. Pendulums of clocks float mid-swing. Dogs raise their muzzles in silent howls. Pedestrians are frozen on the dusty streets, their legs cocked as if held by strings. The aromas of dates, mangoes, coriander, cumin are suspended in space.

As a traveler approaches this place from any direction, he moves more and more slowly. His heartbeats grow farther apart, his breathing slackens, his temperature drops, his thoughts diminish, until he reaches dead center and stops. For this is the center of time. From this place, time travels outward in concentric circles–at rest at the center, slowly picking up speed at greater diameters.

Who would make pilgrimage to the center of time? Parents with children, and lovers.

Why Dating Websites Are So Much Fun

I'm going to preface this by saying that I rarely take dating websites seriously. In fact, if you were to look at my profile on OkCupid, the website would alert you that I "respond very selectively" which basically means, "don't even bother." This is for a few reasons:

1. I'm super happy with the person I'm dating right now. 

2. 95% of the people on that site are broken, damaged, or retarded.

3. I'm lazy and can't be bothered by your neediness/flattery/pathetic attempt to get in my pants.
4. Unless I care about you on a personal level or interact with you professionally, I'm pretty much a career obsessed, anti-feelings, bitch-monster. RAWWWR!!!

Mostly, I have a profile on there still because, occasionally, gems like what happened this morning pop up and I can't resist the need to see where it goes. Questions about my behavior? See quoted explanation at left. Still have questions? This.

I'd like to start by thanking THIS guy for making my morning. Srsly. You crack me up! :D

Rose Was a Selfish B!$#@

Song for this post: "I Don't Mind if You Forget Me" ~ Morrissey

So, a little while back Titanic 3D came out.  There was advertising for it everywhere, all the women I know were, "so ttly excited" and I spent a chunk of my time bitching about what a horrible movie it was and how I can't, for the life of me, understand why someone would take an already terrible and painfully long movie and make it 3D.

It doesn't help that I hate romantic comedies. Really, I do.  I'm one of two females I know who don't like that sappy, lovey-dovey, makes-single-women-sit-in-their-living-rooms-and-cry-at-the-television-while-snuggling-a -makeshift boyfriend-huge-pillow, bullshit. The other woman is my Aunt Jackie. High five Aunt Jackie!

It's not that I don't like feelings (okay, I kind of don't) it's that all of those movies teach women to be emotionally weak and then let a big strong man sweep in and save the day in spite of the fact that they usually have zilch in common.  As long as she has him, she'll be a-okay. And they always end when she gets the guy. Then what? Why don't they ever show how it works out?  I'll tell you why: because it probably doesn't.

'Til death do us part (bonus video about hoochies)

I just read this somewhere and thought it was fantastic:

"I promised my partner forever. I didn't add any subsets to that. I said until death do us part.  While yes, leaving is a big thing to hold over someone's head, it's just a threat. And it might end up being one of those "this hurts me more then it hurts you" threats. I'm not a fan of those. So, instead, no matter how bad he screws up or I screw up, we both know we have to make this work. Neither of us like the idea of being married to an asshole so, we have to talk things out. Completely. It helps because we can't threaten the "I'll leave if you don't do x". Instead we say things like "I swear to all that is holy if you don't stop doing x, I will wake you up every morning by punching you in the face." (Jk. I've never said that.) It makes us better communicators and I don't have to worry about making a liar out of myself because I wouldn't leave him."

And, just for posterity, if I ever get married (read: if anyone can ever tolerate me and if love does actually exist), I want to do it like this:

It's fiction. I promise.

Song for this post: "Drop Dead Gorgeous" ~ April Smith

Conversation overheard on the ferry today:

Girl 1: "I'm the only girl he's never cheated on.  He cheated on every girl before me."
Girl 2: "So. Wait. He's never been faithful until you?"
Girl 1: "Right. But with me he's totally dedicated. I really trust him."
Girl 2: "What about when he goes to sea and you're not there?"
Girl 1: "He wouldn't even look at another girl. I mean, other guys do. I guess there's this thing where, if they're at sea, it's not cheating."
Girl 2: "How is that not cheating?!?"
Girl 1: "I don't know. It's just not. But he would never do that. He loves me."

...Sure honey. You just keep living that fantasy. Let us all know when he brings you back a unicorn...or the hiv.

Kelly Clarkson

Song for this post: "Slept So Long" ~ Jay Gordon

"Do you see spots? Do you hear voices? Does Elvis talk to you?"

Feel my forehead. Does it feel hot to you? I must be either sick or out of my goddamned mind because I'm going to miss the Friday Staff Meeting this week. On purpose.

I feel like a traitor.

Aldous Huxley can suck it.

Song for this post: "Complicated" ~ Rihanna

Okay. It's not like I'm trying to blog about my dating life (or lack thereof) so much lately. I've just been thinking about what the eff I did in the last year and, by extension, my life.

I took stock this week of the top long-term "relationships" I've had.  I use that term broadly.  I came up with an interesting connecting thread:

ALL of them LOVED the book "Brave New World" by Aldous Huxley.  I've never read it, but I feel like I should know what the big damn deal is since, apparently, there's some cosmic correlation between douchebags and Mr. Huxley.  So I downloaded it to my Kindle App and started it on the bus this morning.

A few chapters in and I already get it:

Elk.

Song for this post: "More Than Words" ~ Extreme

As we discussed in this post, my new year's resolution was to delete my dating profiles, and it made me think about the way I interact with men, how I behave on dates, and some of the fun I've had in the last year...like the lying game.  That was fun.

For a good chunk of last year we had a running joke in our house (I have two female roommates) about what a disaster the dating pool was.  I should say again, as I said in the aforementioned previous post (I know that sounds grammatically redundant but I promise you, it's not), I dated a couple of really fantastic guys last year. On the whole, though, it was sort of a shit show.

So, in an effort to have some fun with the disastrous dates we were going on I made up a game: The Lying Game.  Here's how it went down:

You can just call me Susan Lucci

The live in girlfriend we discussed in this post (because, apparently, "discussions" are one sided and consist of me typing and you reading) was at my gym today on my lunch. No idea what she was doing there. I've never seen her there before and had no idea what she would be doing in downtown Seattle. When I got back to the office I looked her up on LinkedIn. Turns out she works about 600 feet from my office.

So that's awesome [read: except for no].

Just when you thought the world was a big place...

My life is very much like a soap opera.

Perhaps I should solicit the opinions of close friends first...

Song for this post: "We Found Love" ~ Rihanna

I spent my lunch hour at the gym (a regular occurrence for me) watching that stupid show with Tabitha Alienface where she takes over salons and acts like she's hot shit and I'm like, "you're a stylist, chill out" and I got to thinking...I don't really have any resolutions to mark the coming of a new year.  I don't really believe in them. If you need to change, do it. Don't wait around for something silly like new year's resolutions.

But then I got to thinking some more...

What did I dislike most about 2011? When I think of the entire year on a very high level, what pops out to me as the biggest factor that needs to change?  The answer was easy:

Men. 

Don't get me wrong. I dated a couple of awesome men in 2011. But the past year also marked some of the MOST catastrophic dates I've ever had in my life.  Let's recap the top 5, as a reminder of who not to date:

1. Met him when I was out with a friend one night in late spring. Attractive, funny, complimenting, intelligent. He had just graduated law school.  He was with his friend, I was with mine. We played some pool and took off together to go back to the friend's apartment.  His friend and my friend went to do "other things" and he and I went on a walk. He held my hand. He bought me drinks. We cozied up by a fire. He started crying about how much he missed his girlfriend. He got so drunk he was stumbling and falling over. He couldn't remember where he lived...It was so romantic. I put us in a taxi and let him crash on my couch. He was gone before I woke up, apparently too embarrassed to face me. Probably for the best...
2. Chatted with me via internet and text for weeks. Finally met up for a birthday dinner, my birthday. We sat down at the table. The waiter came and took our drink order. My date looked longingly into my eyes and said, "You are so completely unattractive and so unpretty I'm not going to stay. I mean, I'm sorry. I'm just...I'm gonna go." He left. I started crying. I left. 5 minutes later in the taxi I realized I left my phone at the table and had to go back in, with mascara all down my face. You know what kids?  2 days later I went back to that restaurant with my two roommates, sat at the SAME table and put a band-aid made of tequila on that wound and made that bar my bitch. That's how it's done, son.
3. Picked me up in a white Porsche. Tackiest. Move. Ever.  When he opened the door for me he said, "Just so you know, I don't open doors or do nice things for people so don't get used to this."  At dinner, when I told him I didn't like gin, he yelled at me. Like, actually yelled.  That was after listening to his monologue on why cyclists are the only good people on the planet and all people who drive cars should die...excluding his Porsche, of course.
4. Stole my cell phone, went to the bathroom and installed remote backup software on it in an attempt to steal my identity. Told me he was a Russian spy.  Cake taker? It's so hard to choose...
5. Took me out for tapas and margaritas. Showed up in A&F jeans and a muscle shirt.  Hair was gelled into a preppy faux hawk. Spent the evening making fun of other men's jeans and saying things like, "Like, OMG!" I discovered shortly after that he loves Adam way more than Eve.  There was no goodnight kiss.

What's the lesson I learned from all of this?  Online dating makes for great storytelling. But it's also exhausting and I'm over it.

So my new year's resolution?  I'm deleting my online dating profiles.

Good bye POF. Goodbye OkC. You've been an interesting time...to say the least.

Well that was unpleasant.

Song for this post: "Breathe Me" ~ Sia

This post is the resolution of this post.

Welp. I did it.  This morning I showed up at the poor girl's yoga studio and told her the man she lives with is not just unfaithful, he's NEVER been faithful.  Why did I do it at her work, you ask?  It's the only place I knew he wouldn't be.

There are few times in my life that I've felt like such a supreme asshole. She was sweet. She was kind. She was pretty.  She absolutely didn't deserve to have her heart ripped out.  But if I didn't do it now, he would have done it later to a much more upsetting degree.  That's how he is.

He is possibly the most charming man I've ever met. I'm not confused for a moment as to why she didn't see who he really is. I didn't either.  I fell for it...just like she did.  It's so unbelievably fucked up that he uses us (and all other women) the way he does...that he treats us like these toys he can take off his shelf whenever he chooses to please him.  Narcissist.

She cried a lot and I hugged her. I felt like a liar hugging her because she should, rightfully, hate me.  I didn't know they were living together, true.  But I did know they were dating. In my defense, he made it sound like it was casual and totally non-committal. I wouldn't have proceeded otherwise.  I feel terrible for her. But I had to do the right thing.  My morality is ambiguous. I know that. I have a way of justifying my actions so that they seem less wrong...or lack any right/wrong definition at all. But I have to draw a line somewhere.  I have to have SOME integrity.  And watching a girl get her heart slowly ripped out of her by a man who's done it over and over and over again to lots of us just isn't something I can live with without feeling incredible guilt. I've been her.  I wished to God then that someone would have told me.  I refuse to do that to her....to let her be humiliated in the end. She deserves the chance to be a strong woman and know the truth.

I gave her my number in case she had questions or needed to talk. I really do want to do whatever I can for her.  After all, I know exactly how she feels right now. If she decides to hate me, that's fine too. I'm not exactly blameless in this.

I just hope she listens to me and gets the hell away from him.

He's a really horrible person.

You know who else was devastatingly charming and handsome and smart and witty and could lure you in with a glance of his perfect eyes?

The devil.

Points to the proverbial ethical line.

Sure. Let's be childish and bitter...

Parenthetical aside: (I know...in the last post I said I wouldn't turn this into a diatribe. What can I say? I'm a girl. I offend reason).

Let's talk about this man: (or "Let's talk about this, Man!)

We dated for a while. We got along great. It ended when he wasn't ready to commit. And that was okay. I mean, he did tell me once that he doesn't believe in monogamy and never will. But he said no one understood him like I did...that I was special...that we connected. He said a lot of horseshit that I've since learned are HUGE red flags. He also said, "What girls don't know, doesn't hurt them." We ended up being good friends and have continued running together, having cocktails, watching James Bond flicks in his living room and, occasionally, sleeping together (but only when I was single because, like some others, I have an ethical line that I don't cross). The last time we were together was November 3rd.  The last time he asked to get together was December 13th.

Hey guess what?  I learned something AWESOME last week.  Wanna know what it is?

This is his LIVE IN girlfriend. She actually seems really awesome. She has no idea I exist. Yep. That happened. I realize it's the oldest tale in the book but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like a bitch when it happens. I asked him why he didn't tell me they lived together. He said, "I don't know how I got into this mess." It gets worse though. When I told him this wasn't okay and that I felt guilty he said I had "no reason to feel guilty."  He said I should know what he is by now and that he compartmentalizes his life. He said I had no reason to feel guilty about what he was doing to her. That's kind of a big F U to Miss Almost Wifey isn't it?

I asked him if he loved her. He told me it was none of my business. I cried a bunch like a small, disturbed child.

I'm not saying my moral compass points north (or any hard direction, really) but a line has to be drawn somewhere.  Integrity isn't something I hold in spades but I need at least some.

Dick.

For those who know me IRL, isn't there a seriously disturbing resemblance between the two of us?!?! Just sayin'...




Point of note:  Names were not used here for legal reasons.